1.
guys i've cracked the code pic.twitter.com/P0TqxUV4eM
— daisyowl (@daisyowl) August 20, 2017
2.
10 minutes Into conspiracy theories and chill, we start getting illuminaughty
— mean irene (@ireenee_b) July 25, 2017
3.
HER: Im breaking up with u
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
4.
[in ambulance]
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
5.
When that new house on the block got a fat ass basement pic.twitter.com/nF4vhq9r8n
— Juan fan accou (@FaceAhhAquarius) August 17, 2017
6.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
— Chad Kroeber (@ChadKroeber) August 17, 2015
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don't w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
7.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
— dī(ə)ltōn (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017
8.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 1, 2017
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don't need that many
9.
What’s better than getting your girl some flowers….. pic.twitter.com/FD3EVkNcNl
— Taco La Flare (@2TacShakur) September 3, 2017
10.
wife: I am having an affair
— yabK47 (@ohen39) July 20, 2017
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
11.
i failed at sneaking out pic.twitter.com/ydBgSadAam
— Kat (@katlopez05) May 2, 2016
12.
[Funeral]
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) September 3, 2017
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do"
Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
13.
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information pic.twitter.com/zsdRtWfa4t
—(@coolado_) September 10, 2017
14.
[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
— k e i t h(@KeetPotato) July 2, 2017
guy: "what do you fill the pillows with?"
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] "just stuff"
15.
he protec
— raquel (@polllarize) August 27, 2017
he attac
but most importantly
he the snac that smile bac pic.twitter.com/6wMJbTXAp7
16.
@darth
17.
*Tucks shirt in*
— Michael Erhart (@MichaelJErhart) August 7, 2014
"Goodnight, shirt."
18.
I fixed giraffes. pic.twitter.com/QtavtoFRAt
— joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) August 22, 2017
19.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords.
— the dog band (@meandmydog69) September 13, 2016
Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords. pic.twitter.com/4fNWkAmhBY
20.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat adding sage. pic.twitter.com/5JCO10MWt0
— Kibblesmith(@kibblesmith) September 6, 2017
21.
What Names are Short For:
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) August 5, 2017
Tom – Thomas
Tim – Thimas
Jon – Jonmas
Phil – Philmas
Dan – Danthaniel
Rick – Ricktoria
Bob – Bobmas OR Bobbert