#1

I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts. pic.twitter.com/mIJKNg2DEp

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017

#2

How can someone look so impossibly perfect when they're asleep but make me so completely insane when they're awake?

- Every toddler Mom, ever

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) February 8, 2019

#3

Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY
Me: good job!
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES
Me: i’m proud of you
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS
Me: great
Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES
Me: wait what

— Ash (an female)(@adult_mom) February 1, 2018

#4

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 6, 2018

#5

Toddlers are just teenagers with less life experience.

— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) April 14, 2019

#6

[1st day in hell]
SATAN: You get the worst punishment
ME: *thinking about being burnt alive* oh no
SATAN: You have to talk to this toddler on the phone
ME: OH NO

— The Dad (@thedad) May 3, 2018

#7

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE…

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 22, 2018

#8

I just caught my toddler baptizing her Barbie in the cat’s water bowl. Then, naturally, like one does, sucked all of the water out of the Barbie’s hair and did a nice refreshed “ahh!” afterwards.

— mother(@raisingbabyclem) April 30, 2019

#9

Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.

— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) April 30, 2019

#10

I tried to tell y’all having a toddler is pretty much the same as being in a horror movie. pic.twitter.com/SRtRLV6vGm

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) April 22, 2018

#11

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 28, 2018

#12

Parenting is asking your toddler to wash their hands and then 45 minutes later begging them to stop washing their hands.

— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) April 30, 2019

#13

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 1, 2019

#14

Instead of telling my toddler “No” all the time I try to say things like “please stop, you’re going to hurt yourself,” or “Don’t do that baby, you’re doing to break it” or “Sweetie, I’m begging you to chill out because mommy is about to cry and have a nervous breakdown”

— burger a*s head (@gaby_briannn) April 24, 2019

#15

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 24, 2018

#16

My toddler pointed at my stomach and said “peanut butter” and then laughed uncontrollably. I’m not sure what it meant but it stung.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 10, 2018

#17

*finally gets gloves on toddler correctly*

*dies of old age*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 26, 2018

#18

My toddler just yelled, “I’m not crazy!” at whoever he was pretending to talk to on his phone

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 28, 2018

#19

Toddler: [Eating an orange]

Me: Can I have some?

Toddler: No! Is spicy!

She's on to me.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 12, 2019

#20

My toddler just got a hold of a tub of butter, rubbed it all over her legs, and said “lotion you can eat” and I feel like she may be onto something.

— bottom of my purse (@Bottomofmypurse) April 7, 2019

#21

nobody:

a toddler: my mama booty not real

— Allyiah (@AllyiahsFace) April 19, 2019

#22

Recipe for Inevitable Toddler Meltdown

2 parts missed nap
1 part wrong cup color
1 part “lost” whistle
A dash of dead iPad

Marinate until 4pm

Serve inconsolable until bedtime

— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) January 16, 2019

#23

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 17, 2019

#24

Just called the cops on a screaming lunatic at the grocery store. Anyway, I'm gonna go finish my shopping while they investigate my toddler.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 18, 2017

#25

Before I had a toddler, I had no idea there was a wrong way to eat imaginary food.

— Marissa (@natsmama75) April 27, 2019

#26

Just say NO to schedules. Just say NO to naps and sitting still. Just say NO even when what you actually mean is YES

-Toddler Inspirational

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 21, 2017

#27

Sorry I’m late, had to wait for my toddler to go through the 5 stages of grief putting on a pair of pants.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2018

#28

Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool.

I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 2, 2017

#29

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 3, 2018

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: NewDadNotes / twitter.com