1.
I closed my finger in a drawer and yelled “Son of a bitch!” and my 6 yo called from another room “What is it? Is it Trump? What did he do?”
@FeralCrone
2.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
@simoncholland
3.
Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses.
6-year-old: Why doesn’t he use magic to fix his eyes?
Me: *questions everything I know*
@XplodingUnicorn
4.
Me: Did you have a good day at school?
6-year-old: That’s not how school works.
@XplodingUnicorn
5.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
@MyMomologue
6.
I’m glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts.
@XplodingUnicorn
7.
Book title, “Parenting a Strong-willed Child”
Loosely translated, “So You’ve got Yourself a Little Asshole”
@MommaUnfiltered
8.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
@XplodingUnicorn
9.
I can’t wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I’m super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop
@msemilymccombs
10.
Wife: Think we’ll be empty-nesters?
Me: What’s that?
Wife: People who miss their kids after they’ve moved out.
Then we laughed and laughed.
@moooooog35
11.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
@VancityReynolds
12.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
@adult_mom
13.
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
@XplodingUnicorn
14.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
@Six_Pack_Mom
15.
In case you were on the fence about having kids, my 3-year-old threw a temper tantrum because her tongue is pink.
@XplodingUnicorn
16.
You will never realize your full potential for speed and agility until the day you see your toddler holding a Sharpie marker
@thebabylady7
17.
Right now I’m that dad playing hide & seek with my kid so I can actually get shit done while she thinks she has the “perfect” hiding spot.
@daddydoinwork
18.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
@XplodingUnicorn
19.
There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her children, while they’re sleeping.
@yenniwhite
20.
My 5yo was told “no” by my partner. She came to me smiling & whispered “dad, want to pretend to be the boss of the house for a few minutes?”
@EverydayGirlDad