Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome

— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 24, 2014

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015

Train museum! For the 223rd time! pic.twitter.com/ywSZIRuFQs

— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) April 4, 2016

"I don't think so mommy!" Is what my child said after "Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?" pic.twitter.com/00rXSZ3CxW

— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) August 1, 2015

It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish…

— Carrie Underwood (@carrieunderwood) April 30, 2016

My kids asked me what the Wall Street protestors were angry about, & I told them it was the crappy Father’s Day gift they gave me last year.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 13, 2011

"No matter what I'm eating my heart always says dessert" – my 4 year old daughter

— max greenfield (@iamgreenfield) September 3, 2014

there is absolutely no way that labor is harder than installing a car seat, i just refuse to believe it. if it is, i give up

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 28, 2016

Up until 2am constructing a table with wooden trains for Gideon and all he wants to do is play with a broom. #MerryXmas pic.twitter.com/9O4WAtuH

— Neil Patrick Harris (@ActuallyNPH) December 25, 2012

Had no idea a baby ghost was called a "morn ". 3 year old info pic.twitter.com/chINzn05Ef

— christina applegate (@1capplegate) November 20, 2014

Joke by my 4 year old. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Why sweetie?" "Because his butthole itched". She laughs hysterically.

— christina applegate (@1capplegate) December 17, 2015

My daughter & I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom & he got mad which is funny since I HAVEN'T PEED ALONE IN 7 YEARS.

— Busy Philipps (@Busyphilipps25) December 8, 2015

My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015

Turns out toddlers don't consider rainy days to be sloth days reserved for Netflix and sweatpants. Their loss.

— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) June 5, 2016

I'm so grateful I didn't grow up in an age where my parents possessed the technology to take nude selfies.

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) March 5, 2016

My infant daughter is going to run for president. She remains silent all of the key issues but she’s much cuter than Donald Trump.

— zooey deschanel (@ZooeyDeschanel) September 4, 2015

My 4 year old son just said to me, "Mom, you should never trust farts." https://t.co/CQO0Cdj1z4

— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) March 4, 2016

My kid changed the Lego Movie song from "Everything is awesome when you're part of a team" to "Everything is awesome when you're not dying"

— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) March 14, 2014

My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016

My daughter says every boy in the world has a penis, even Santa. So sad that one day she'll learn there's no such thing as Santa's penis.

— Adam Scott (@mradamscott) May 31, 2013

Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2015

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, "You have to have a backstory to why you're evil, right?" And walked out.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) January 24, 2016

There are men who have scaled Everest who wouldnt dare to travel with two kids under 3. #warrior #dadbeast.

— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) December 29, 2015

Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016

"Do it or no root beer!" – My 3 yr old today when I said he couldn't play on my phone. I have no idea what the root beer was about.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 26, 2016

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016

I may have terrified all the children at our daughter's Halloween carnival. Btw- I'm pooh bear in case u can't tell. pic.twitter.com/wQGCoxWEg1

— Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) October 18, 2015

Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, "Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!" and "Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die."

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 11, 2015

On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016

Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural! @prattprattpratt pic.twitter.com/TTeSxQsuwG

— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) September 3, 2015