1.
My infant daughter is going to run for president. She remains silent all of the key issues but she’s much cuter than Donald Trump.
— zooey deschanel (@ZooeyDeschanel) September 4, 2015
2.
"I don't think so mommy!" Is what my child said after "Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?" pic.twitter.com/00rXSZ3CxW
— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) August 1, 2015
3.
Parents of the year award haha! River locked herself in her room via the connecting door. She loves to shut doors! pic.twitter.com/9MhZNfO9My
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) February 25, 2016
4.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
5.
Every generation just wants their kids to have a better “Spiderman” reboot than they did.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 15, 2016
6.
there is absolutely no way that labor is harder than installing a car seat, i just refuse to believe it. if it is, i give up
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 28, 2016
7.
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015
8.
Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 24, 2014
9.
Harper is, as usual, calm and understated. pic.twitter.com/2fGMlpez
— Neil Patrick Harris (@ActuallyNPH) December 26, 2012
10.
Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural! @prattprattpratt pic.twitter.com/TTeSxQsuwG
— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) September 3, 2015
11.
If you're worried about your teenagers procreating, put them on a 6 hour flight with our kid. Scared Celibate. Guaranteed.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) November 30, 2015
12.
to everyone asking, john is healing perfectly
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 17, 2016
13.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 19, 2016
14.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
15.
"It's 8:30am & I've already gotten into 5 fights" – thugs, and parents of toddlers
— Nicole Richie (@nicolerichie) January 14, 2013
16.
Turns out toddlers don't consider rainy days to be sloth days reserved for Netflix and sweatpants. Their loss.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) June 5, 2016
17.
My daughter & I accidentally busted in on my husband in the bathroom & he got mad which is funny since I HAVEN'T PEED ALONE IN 7 YEARS.
— Busy Philipps (@Busyphilipps25) December 8, 2015
18.
Up until 2am constructing a table with wooden trains for Gideon and all he wants to do is play with a broom. #MerryXmas pic.twitter.com/9O4WAtuH
— Neil Patrick Harris (@ActuallyNPH) December 25, 2012
19.
I know I've got a blockhead…I never knew I'd have an actual blockhead for a child lol. pic.twitter.com/8RyuZZUX1h
— Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) October 9, 2015
20.
My kid changed the Lego Movie song from "Everything is awesome when you're part of a team" to "Everything is awesome when you're not dying"
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) March 14, 2014
21.
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
22.
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
23.
Joke by my 4 year old. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Why sweetie?" "Because his butthole itched". She laughs hysterically.
— christina applegate (@1capplegate) December 17, 2015
24.
Me: "G'night honey. Wanna sing Twinkle Twinkle?"
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) November 14, 2016
2 yr old: "how 'bout Beastie Boys?"
All is not lost.
25.
”My wipe did be sooo messy." I hope she never learns to speak correctly.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) January 17, 2016
26.
Train museum! For the 223rd time! pic.twitter.com/ywSZIRuFQs
— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) April 4, 2016
27.
Me: “Keeva you’re really milking this!”
— alyson hannigan (@alydenisof) July 18, 2015
Keeva (age 3): “I thought you said I could have milk?”
28.
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016
29.
Love saving $ on things like house painters-Jack has it taken care of-should I be worried about US child labor laws? pic.twitter.com/hhLfxFBCf6
— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) September 16, 2015
30.
My kids asked me what the Wall Street protestors were angry about, & I told them it was the crappy Father’s Day gift they gave me last year.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 13, 2011
31.
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
32.
It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish…
— Carrie Underwood (@carrieunderwood) April 30, 2016
33.
I’d like to publicly thank my husband @daxshepard1 for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) October 29, 2015
34.
Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I'm the building) pic.twitter.com/uHfY3adroc
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 23, 2014
35.
When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) September 30, 2015
36.
john just woke up from a nap and asked me what I've been doing so i was like uh taking care of the baby duh
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 28, 2016
37.
When can I expect to stop having avocado under my fingernails at all times? When they go to college?
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) September 30, 2015
38.
My 4 year old son just said to me, "Mom, you should never trust farts." https://t.co/CQO0Cdj1z4
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) March 4, 2016