1.
┏┓In
— Deranged Memer (@sam_reginald) February 17, 2017
┃┃╱╲this
┃╱╱╲╲ house
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we
▔▏┗┛▕▔ have
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
I B S
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
2.
Just tried a coat on in TK Maxx. It was the coat of a customer trying on another coat. I can never leave the house again.
— David Payne (@littlechief1982) November 19, 2016
3.
Only God can Build a Bear
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) October 25, 2016
4.
I don't post pics of my dinner bc nobody wants to see frosted flakes and an early midlife crisis
— Trey (@treydayway) January 11, 2017
5.
When life gives me lemons, I save a ton on groceries
— KyleDoesYourDickert (@ouchMyDickerts) December 16, 2016
6.
bruh are you kidding me?!! i love broetry. you know, with walt litman and pablo nerdudea and emily sickinson an edgar allen bro an
— sofia voss (@sofiapvoss) February 23, 2017
7.
HEALTH TIP: when you fart, stop the spread of germs by farting into the crook of your arm
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) January 10, 2017
8.
We get it birds. You know one song.
— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) May 18, 2012
9.
This is the strangest Animorphs book yet. pic.twitter.com/nDuGxZvaE3
— Ethan Booker (@Ethan_Booker) February 10, 2017
10.
Someone called my phone twice last week and I'm still shaken up from it.
— Marc Roberge (@marcroberge) January 14, 2017
11.
Has anyone tweeted at El Chapo that he's a clue on #Jeopardy yet? Nice to see one of the good guys make it
— Alex Jacob (@whoisalexjacob) November 26, 2015
12.
one time i was on a bus and a woman carrying a bible banged her elbow really hard and yelled fart instead of fuck
— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) June 5, 2015
13.
[a squirrel outside my window is running around in the rain]
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 8, 2017
where is the poncho i made you. did you sell it for drugs you little shit
14.
Couldn't find a taxi to get me home, so I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and asked for a lift.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) January 26, 2017
15.
"I get to go through ur phone and browser history unless u win this game of darts"
— John Walaszek (@jwalaszek) January 27, 2017
me: pic.twitter.com/aSRwXG77hS
16.
All these people around me are getting engaged and I can't even commit to one brand of mascara.
— The Sorority W. (@Sorority_Whore) December 30, 2013
17.
John McEnroe's twitter career was brief and surprisingly Pinkberry-focused pic.twitter.com/okuVMBnT62
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) January 11, 2017
18.
MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN, WALKING FAST, EAT SOME GRASS, I'M A COW NOW
— Payden (@Paydencolours) December 15, 2016
19.
These awful years are going to be some nerd's hobby in 2200.
— Alex "Alex" Firer (@AlexFirer) January 31, 2017
20.
U feeling ill? Let me just grab my pic.twitter.com/DkWPxyKuRZ
— Bert (@bethanyrutter) March 7, 2017
21.
largely based on accumulated data a series of called shots has again culminated with me rollerblading through 11 consecutive panes of glass
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 8, 2017
22.
Inventer of the saxophone: What if air could be sexy?
— GogglePossum (@gogglepossum) February 27, 2017
23.
When mom lets you wear your new shoes out of the store pic.twitter.com/QaIp42Ump4
— chRis (@seethenare) August 13, 2016
24.
When your boy's dressed like a bum and hasn't shaved in days but he's still cute pic.twitter.com/rVgaQw0G1e
— Annaka Saari (@AnnakaSaari) December 20, 2016
25.
Has anyone ever told football players that leggings aren't pants
— napqueen (@swisherstweets) October 18, 2015
26.
*on Ellen*
— lisi schauer (@cavedevice) February 27, 2017
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
27.
*poops blood*
— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) May 24, 2016
"What the heck I haven't eaten blood in weeks"
28.
when you gotta greet your boss after they wouldn't let you call out sick pic.twitter.com/VTRtK5qu7f
— Fif O'Henny (@BaebyHuey) December 14, 2016
29.
me: I swear I'm not drinking tonight
— Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) February 6, 2017
me 2 hours later: pic.twitter.com/ndHXaDSGPp
30.
coworker: what's yr secret santa gift
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) December 19, 2016
me: amy said she loves moose so—
cw: ya she loves hair mousse
m: *waves away man leading in a moose*
31.
VIN DIESEL: The criminals broke into the… money thing. With the lock. You know. The thing.
— Brian Grubb (@briancgrubb) November 1, 2016
COP: The safe?
VIN DIESEL: The what now? pic.twitter.com/bfVRhl7FWG
32.
1. Just stand there pic.twitter.com/gd6YMost61
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) February 15, 2017
33.
When ya get to say "im gonna sneak past ya…" to somebody in public >>>
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) November 26, 2016