1.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
@Barknado69
2.
Here is a list of things that are invisible:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
@Flora__Flora
3.
Kool Aid Man’s kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.
@lazerdoov
4.
[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying “p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches” over and over?
@whatmaddness
5.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
@simoncholland
6.
6 minutes after walking into Sephora
@KarenKilgariff
7.
me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid
crowd: [laughing]
dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy
@ch000ch
8.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
@pleatedjeans
9.
Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
@Gooooats
10.
I like the phrase “I wasn’t born yesterday” because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
@GiaPennacchia
11.
Dentist- “You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard.” Me- “On the dance floor?” Dentist- “No. What are you talking about?”
@rejectedjokes
12.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
@flashember
13.
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
@rachelle_mandik
14.
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
@dril
15.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
@KimmyMonte
16.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
@Rollinintheseat
17.
*texting*
sister: grandma passed away..
me: sadface.gif
me: did that load
@ChrisScarlette
18.
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
@iamopeimu
19.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
@kendragaylord
20.
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad
@AnnDabromowitz
21.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
@marinarachael