1.
If you don’t find farts funny then you’re a loser because you’re choosing to have less joy in your life but the exact same amount of farts
@MrEmilyHeller
2.
When god was inventing feelings, I wonder if he knew what a hit “finding out someone hates the same person as you” was gonna be
@MrEmilyHeller
3.
Garfield’s favorite food is THE most labor intensive dish you could ask someone to make for you and he eats it in one bite lie an asshole
@MrEmilyHeller
4.
trying to explain the patriarchy to men feels like telling someone who has never heard of bones that there’s a skeleton inside their body
@MrEmilyHeller
5.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
@MrEmilyHeller
6.
Sorry to disappoint you feminists but YES my career has kept me from finding a man and now all I have is all this money and happiness
@MrEmilyHeller
7.
i got work to do, i’ll just do a little bit of clickin’ around on the net first
*20 minutes pass*
welp, according to this quiz i have cancer
@MrEmilyHeller
8.
So no one told you you were Dr.Frasier
Crane
Your job is talking on the phone to the insane
@MrEmilyHeller
9.
Uh oh you guys we made the wrong kinds os nerds cool. It was supposed to be the books ones
@MrEmilyHeller
10.
I was woted “class clown” but only because, like a clown, people generally agreed not to invite me to parties
@MrEmilyHeller
11.
Who came up with the word gargling to describe gargling? I want to give them a prize for doing a good job
@MrEmilyHeller
12.
Any guy that complains about being put in the “Friend Zone” belongs in my “Diarrhea Bucket” lol
@MrEmilyHeller
13.
I ordered egg rolls alone at a restaurant and the waiter said, “Just so you know, it comes with 4.” I feel both under and over estimated
@MrEmilyHeller
14.
i dont’t know why i spend so much time reading the tweets of people who disagree with me when i could be googling how to get rid of skin tags
@MrEmilyHeller
15.
Considering that I can smoke legal weed and watch any episode of Daria I want in the bath, it’s pretty weird that I DON’T believe in God
@MrEmilyHeller
16.
Tried to buy a doormat and here’s what arrived: a piece of foam with a photo of the thing I wanted printed on it.
@MrEmilyHeller
17.
“It’s a good thing my hair is the color of barbecue sauce, so no one can see I got barbecue sauce in my hair earlier.”-Emily Heller, age 31
@MrEmilyHeller
Image Credit: nerdist.com