5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands

— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don't have to save for college

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014

[bed time]

Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed.

3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet

Me: Scarier than Mom?

3: *goes to bed*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2016

My 2-y-o can figure out how to work the TV remote, but can't find his mouth while eating spaghetti.

— Matt Brennan (@SpiralingMatt) June 14, 2015

My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 21, 2013

[looking up at the night sky]

Me: You can make a wish on any star you want.

5-year-old: Which one is the Death Star?

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2016

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

— nice eric (@ericsshadow) March 25, 2016

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015

I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.

— Goats? (@Gooooats) February 18, 2016

[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]

Me: Where’s the baby?

Wife: In college.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2015

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016

Don't ask me if I've seen a new movie.

I have four little girls.

If there wasn't a singing princess in it, the answer is no.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2016

Me: I made pork.
3yo: I don't like pork.
Me: It's chicken.
3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken.#Parenting #PickyEater #Win

— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) September 1, 2015

Random lady: What's your name?

5-year-old: Thorin, son of Thrain, King under the Mountain

Lady:*looks at me confused*

Me: Bow to the king

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2015

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

— Lloyd Rang (@lloydrang) June 26, 2013

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015

Me: There's my big girl.

3-year-old: I'm not a big girl!

Me: There's my little girl.

3: I'm not little!

Me: What are you?

3: A dragon.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2015

[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?

Me: I'm up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 21, 2015