Why dae folk ask babies stupid shite lit "Ur gettin big arent ye?" As if the wee cunts gony be like aye Moira yer spot on am oan the protein

— Goudie (@Goudie15) February 10, 2016

A got vodka in my eyes during Cascada n it looked like a was greetin, and some guy just patted me on the back n said "mate a know" hahaha

— Scott (@ScottJStruthers) September 13, 2016

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says "have you got any nut allergies" aye pal I'm planning suicide by donut

— Ryan Bryceland (@_RyanBryce) August 30, 2016

Ma maw knows a hate shreddies, n she's been hidin the scran in here for fkn ages wit a snake pic.twitter.com/r8ZLRDnOkp

— . (@Ryan_McCran) August 10, 2016

Paid €5 for a bottle of water n eh burd asked for a tip hahahaa here's a tip don't run wae scissors

— Adam (@AdamHenry9) August 17, 2016

Fuckin mastermind at KFC drive thru just asked if a was sittin in or takin away…Aye hold the door open tae a reverse inside ya stupit dick

— Goudie (@Goudie15) October 9, 2016

Wit if Scotland just refuses to leave the eu? Like aw just say naw n tell England "wit ye gonny Dae phone the polis?"

— Connor Magill (@ronnoclligam) June 24, 2016

Barber could staple a pic ae yer maw gettin shagged tae yer heed but when he holds up that wee mirror you'd still be like ideal mate cheers

— Goudie (@Goudie15) October 24, 2016

When your mum tells you to hing the washing oot and you chuck the closest pair eh shoes oan pic.twitter.com/pha0EGzmMQ

— Cb (@CourtneyBankss_) 6 септември 2016 г.

Aye mum just get me a pack of they bic pens for uni made a right cunt of myself whipping these out in a lecture pic.twitter.com/ivsLbpy4ER

— Shedden (@DavidShedden) September 14, 2016

Can't get in ma flat cos a junkie has fallen asleep and has quoted me £80 for him to move. Love Dundee pic.twitter.com/2AwTXqHUD6

— Lauren Rankine (@LaurenRankine) August 1, 2016

A walked into a bar and says to the barman "Al take a water" the barman says "still water" a says "aye av no changed ma mind"

— foggy (@ReganF36) August 25, 2016

See when yer maw complains about the bathroom bein "soakin" when yer just out the shower sorry al go for wan ae they dry wans next time

— Lee McLean (@theleemclean) February 23, 2016

Hate when ye fall out wae a lassie and everythin reminds ye of them… Pure greetin doin the dishes rememberin that time she used yer fork

— Goudie (@Goudie15) May 11, 2016

If a got 50 pence for every time a failed a maths exam I'd have about £6.30 now

— chrissy (@chrissypaterson) September 8, 2016

A point blank refuse to believe there was once a woman in Glasgow called Fanny Fidler pic.twitter.com/x1CDP5ozqa

— Kenny (@67ONeill) October 27, 2016

When he texts ye every day, ye finally shag him and then he never texts back pic.twitter.com/1RnT6B7qQ1

— Scottish Tweets (@Scottish_Tweets) February 27, 2016

Had dane's spare keys so I hid in his house for him coming home from work pic.twitter.com/kJkt4YQ3bv

— siân (@sianwalkeroxx) April 7, 2016

What people think Scotland is like vs What it's actually like pic.twitter.com/4qHxT9BK67

— D O N ∆ L D (@0fficialDonald) August 6, 2016

Cany deal wae work cunts that are happy in the mornin, Susans pure askin if a watched BB an am thinkin ae ways tae kill myself wae a stapler

— Goudie (@Goudie15) August 11, 2016