Avocado: not ripe
— Elspeth (@elspetheastman) September 18, 2016
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had pic.twitter.com/LOwqS3vF8w
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) February 24, 2016
I don't use social media or apps to date because I'm in my 30s and I prefer meeting men the old fashioned way: never.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) June 17, 2016
friend: how are things?
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 4, 2016
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
The hardest thing about having visitors is saying "sorry about the mess" when you know this is the cleanest the house has been in weeks.
— Ruthe Phoenixmas (@RuthePhoenix) July 8, 2016
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 30, 2016
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?
Periods are like a friend who comes bearing good news but then stays for a week, eats all your food, and borrows and ruins your clothes
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 19, 2016
if this cat told me to murder someone I would pic.twitter.com/A8WMq514Jv
— keri its keri (@joanofdarkness) August 6, 2016
The seat behind looks like it's taking the seat in front hostage pic.twitter.com/XsX6roez6R
— Alice White (@alicewhitey) April 19, 2016
If I had a time machine I'd probably spend a lot of trips in it just going back 15 minutes to re-eat meals.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) September 26, 2016
'WAKE UP PRETTY'
— Anne Helen Petersen (@annehelen) September 1, 2016
v.
'EXPLORE YOUR FUTURE' pic.twitter.com/PgRjUWzCGN
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Uggs and requesting coconut water.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 14, 2016
Omg. I just realized. Of COURSE God is a woman. That's why the Bible is an entire book filled with men explaining what she said.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) June 8, 2016
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought this wk will finally be ripe enough to eat between 8pm-8:15pm — so I can't #priorities
— Tanisha L. Ramirez (@TanishaLove) October 21, 2016
They call it duck-face because every time I see someone doing it I want to push them in a lake.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) September 14, 2016
Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) April 13, 2016
A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 1, 2016
Women have trust issues because you can buy two identical pants of the same size and only one of them will fit.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) October 20, 2016
My mother lands Sunday night, which means I have 48 hours to clean my apartment, lose 10 pounds, and write a New York Times bestseller.
— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) September 30, 2016