1.
My son just answered his toy cell phone and said “Elaine, we both know you’re too old for me.”
@AnaGasteyer
2.
When my kids grow up, I’m gonna invite myself to dinner at their houses, demand mac n cheese, then tell them it’s gross.
@AnaGasteyer
3.
Just texted my teenager to remind me what Parental Control password I’d set & that she’d figured out, so I could get into my own Netflix.
@AnaGasteyer
4.
If my kids write my epitaph, it will read ‘Here lies Mother, who always seemed to want a Nap’.
@AnaGasteyer
5.
Super creepy. Not only did the Tooth Fairy blow off our kid last night, there was an empty bottle of wine and 2 glasses on the counter.
@AnaGasteyer
6.
My son changed my Apple name to Fat Bob and I can’t figure out how to change it back.
@AnaGasteyer
7.
When I see quiet, well-behaved children in a restaurant, I have to wonder how far in advance their parents gave them the Dramamine.
@AnaGasteyer
8.
My son just whipped a juice box across the room cuz no one laughed at his joke. Runs in the family.
@AnaGasteyer
9.
A prayer for my kids: May you not marry those A-holes who leave concerts & ballgames early to beat the traffic. The endings are good.
@AnaGasteyer
10.
Just overheard my daughter ask my husband if I have an Off Button.
@AnaGasteyer
11.
Daughter just made me turn off ‘Jolene’, cuz “I don’t have a boyfriend, but this song makes me sad he’s cheating on me anyway.”
@AnaGasteyer
12.
Whoever said all children are angels never met the little shit with the Super Soaker at the playground today.
@AnaGasteyer
13.
Dear Jesus, help me to raise children who don’t comment on the internet.
@AnaGasteyer
14.
My kid just correctly noted that Fractions are only useful if you grow up to become a Pizza Maker.
@AnaGasteyer
15.
Now that my kids are a little older, I love that I’m really able to engage in a conversation with another adult and fini
@AnaGasteyer
16.
Fun arcade game for parents: an updated Whack-A-Mole featuring small children popping out of their beds all night.
@AnaGasteyer
17.
Beautiful moment of family connection tonight around our shared excitement over the new middle finger emoji.
@AnaGasteyer
18.
It’s like I tell my kids. If you get lost, FIND A MOM FIRST, she will help.
@AnaGasteyer
19.
None of the pregnancy books warn you how much of the next 15 years you’ll waste worrying that you have lice or a possible stomach bug.
@AnaGasteyer
20.
Any person who’s bitched about sitting near a sad baby on a plane should sit near the Farter on this plane & then reassess their rage.
@AnaGasteyer