1. On the Olympics
I don’t see why the last day of the Olympics shouldn’t be all the gold medalists playing dodgeball till we have an ultimate champion
@frankieboyle
2. On fatherhood
Fathers, remember that you don’t have to be the perfect example to your children. You can also function as a sort of hideous warning.
@frankieboyle
3. On motherhood
Happy Mother’s Day, and I hope that a card and a box of Milk Tray seems like a fair exchange for the structural integrity of your vagina
@frankieboyle
4. On the 2017 British election result
All the average British punter wants is to be paid less than £10 an hour and be incinerated in a nuclear holocaust, and good luck to em
@frankieboyle
5. On British tabloids
I’m reading a defence of free speech in a paper that tried to have me arrested and charged with obscenity for making a joke about the Queen
@frankieboyle
6. On Liverpool
I’ve been to Liverpool, and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice
@frankieboyle
7. On James Arthur’s beef with One Direction
To be fair to James Arthur, he only has a problem with 1D because they remind him of his GCSE results
@frankieboyle
8. On Youtubers
Kids’ idols today are all Youtubers.In 30 years time they’ll be mourning the death of someone who talked about having a really nice sandwich
@frankieboyle
9. On Brexit (I)
Amusing to watch a nation that defines itself with the phrase Keep Calm And Carry On having a complete gibbering meltdown
@frankieboyle
10. On Brexit (II)
Still, at least we have put a stop to economic migration, by making the pound worthless
@frankieboyle
11. On UKIP
Glad UKIP are in debates instead of Greens. We no longer need a party trying to save the world, we need one to make us glad that it’s ending
@frankieboyle
12. On Cheryl Cole getting her butt tattooed with roses
Hi @CherylCole, I’ve tattooed my cock to look like a bee
@frankieboyle
13. On nuclear war
Terrible to think a Trident missile could malfunction and incinerate millions of the wrong civilians
@frankieboyle
14. On Boris Johnson being named foreign secretary
And as Boris takes control, we finally understand that they wanted to control our borders so they could stop us from fleeing
@frankieboyle
15. On Barack Obama
@frankieboyle
16. On Piers Morgan
Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the message “From one cunt to another”
@frankieboyle
17. On Donald Trump (I)
Oh man, how did Trump get here? He just seems like a low rent villain in a Disney movie trying to build a hotel on a kids’ skatepark.
@frankieboyle
18. On Donald Trump (II)
Don’t worry about Trump. With air pollution and climate change in 50 years we’ll all be dementia sufferers fighting off 100ft tidal waves.
@frankieboyle
19. On BBC subtitling
Laziest subtitles ever
@frankieboyle
20. On internet trolls
Anyone can troll on Twitter, but hats off to people who do it on Facebook where everyone can see they’ve got ugly kids and a shit kitchen.
@frankieboyle
21. On his sheer popularity
Feeling the love on Facebook
@frankieboyle
22. On religion
One day religions will forget about their differences and focus on the things that unite them, like their hatred of women and homosexuals.
@frankieboyle
23. On Snapchat
You say snapchat, I say speedwank
@frankieboyle
24. On the apocalyptic tendencies of 2017
2017 won’t be all bad. For a few people living just the right distance from nuclear strikes, the radiation will cure their cancer.
@frankieboyle
25. On hating your job
Sometimes you’re out the door and halfway to work before you realise that you’ve totally forgotten to kill yourself
@frankieboyle
26. On the festive season
It’s this time of year when I think about people who are estranged from their families, the lucky bastards.
@frankieboyle
27. On the 2008 financial crash
Some attack benefits & immigration but I think it’s worth remembering IT WAS THE BANKS. THEY TOOK ALL THE MONEY. IT WAS ON THE FUCKING NEWS.
@frankieboyle
28. On Twitter
I’m a big fan of twitter. It means I no longer have to go for a walk if I want a stranger to call me a cunt.
@frankieboyle