1.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Playing_Dad
2.
I’m glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts.
XplodingUnicorn
3.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Playing_Dad
4.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
rubywoo09
5.
[waitress brings out the food] 5-year-old: I don’t like pancakes. Me: Then why did you order pancakes? 5: I panicked.
XplodingUnicorn
6.
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
XplodingUnicorn
7.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
ValeeGrrl
8.
If persuading my kids to eat the dinner I cook every night doesn’t count as sales experience, I don’t know what does.
MamaFizzles
9.
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
aaroncomedian
10.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked my wife for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
simoncholland
11.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
XplodingUnicorn
12.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
PaperWash
13.
Me: stop playing with your food
Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
M: touche
DaddyJew
14.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours
Brianhopecomedy
15.
I asked my 1-year-old if she wanted pizza.
She nodded so hard she fell over.
So, yes, I’m sure she’s mine.
XplodingUnicorn
16.
When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing.
yenniwhite
17.
6yo: I need to fart
Me: No, we’re eating
6yo: Ok, I’ll just hold it in with my hand
*Farts
6yo: It didn’t work
FatherWithTwins
18.
I’m not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I’d say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.
XplodingUnicorn
19.
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child’s favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
MyMomologue
20.
There is little differece between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
JimGaffigan