1.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 7, 2017
2.
My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 17, 2016
3.
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016
4.
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
5.
Amazing day… Weird how they write the name in ALL CAPS. Like I'm yelling at all the nice people walking by. For eternity. pic.twitter.com/CgTVA382e5
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2016
6.
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016
7.
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015
8.
Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 19, 2016
9.
It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 28, 2016
10.
I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 9, 2016
11.
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
12.
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016
13.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
14.
When I think out loud, it sounds nothing like Morgan Freeman.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 18, 2015
15.
Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2015
16.
Boys… It's just a milkshake. Get outta my fucking yard.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 31, 2016
17.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
18.
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
19.
Next time you're grocery shopping, imagine David Attenborough narrating. It really next-levels the whole thing.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 21, 2015
20.
As I soon understood, fly fishing had nothing to do with pulling a trout out of your pants to surprise your brothers. pic.twitter.com/BGzjSGtSFi
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2015