90% of my job is squinting at my monitor when somebody walks by so it looks like I’m concentrating on some work. -TheCatWhisprer

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
-JVarsityCaptain

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home… -TheBoydP

search on google
Boss: mike
Boss: Mike
Boss: Mike Ginn
Me: whaaa sorry was just… doing an email
-shutupmikeginn

Just had to show a coworker where the secret stash of binder clips are. I’m now a black market office supply dealer. -mariawalker17

Coworker: Why didn’t you decorate for Halloween?
Me: I did, see my cubicle has a corpse in it and is haunted by my dead aspirations.
-OhNoSheTwitnt

My morning commute takes anywhere between 30 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic and how long I sit in the car before going inside. -TheCatWhisprer

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is I like to cuddle as I fall asleep. -WilliamAder

[staff meeting] “Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”-caliluvgirl77

In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
-gaynorlsimpson

“I feel a little off today.”
- Me, working on my plan for not being at work tomorrow.
-SardonicTart

I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?” -shutupmikeginn

Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is “infested” with caterpillars once the office is “infested” with beautiful butterflies-pjtlynch

Just waiting to see how long until my coworkers realize that my robbery story is just the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor’s “I will Survive”. -WoodyLuvsCoffee

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
-Marlebean

10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone
-be_yourownhero

Getting a monthly salary is like getting a period. If you’ve fucked around, it gives you momentary relief, but then it gets over in 5 days. -effyourstylist

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT -IamEnidColeslaw

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
-Home_Halfway

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body -Pixelated Boat

Boss: It’s marked Urgent. Get it done ASAP.
Me: Sure, I’m a pro –
Boss: Great.
Me: – crastinator. So, tomorrow. Kbai.
-poisonaavi Report

At office: “I’ll do this at home, comfortably w some tea & all relaxed”
*goes home gets in bed* “Too cosy to work. Need a proper desk” – me
-blahfamous

I have 11 missed calls ftom my boss I can only assume that its because hes super excited to give me a raise -NoticablyBacon

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office? -John Lyon

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
->murrman5

Coworker: lovely weather we’re having
Me: please don’t do this.
-thatdutchperson

[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
-Book_Krazy

my co-worker got a new apartment & i told her about the guy who got decapitated in her neighborhood last week. office life isn’t for me. -suesmith666

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
-markedly

If you ask me to stay at work past 5 o’clock, you better be serving cocktails. -sarcasticmommy

via boredpanda