1.
Males: Happy birthday bro
Females: Its your birthday today, where do I start? We been through so much together, you’re beautiful etc …
@ibzy96
2.
Me: People who tweet at airlines are overreacting
Me, after 12-hour delay: Everyone responsible for this must experience a devastating loss
@Samer
3.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
@grumbist
4.
gently touching your friends hand bc you’ve spotted someone acting like an asshole & you want to talk about it later
@Kristen_Arnett
5.
Sorry for the politics lately. I’m using twitter as therapy since my neighbors asked me to stop opening the front door and screaming “fuck.”
@TheDairylandDon
6.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
@tarashoe
7.
my inner dialogue is like a comments section where a rly sincere and kind but naive soul is trying her best 2 reason w a professional troll
@sadqueer4life
8.
When you’ve scrolled all the way down to his 187th week on instagram & know every woman you should keep tabs on
@ScottieBeam
9.
ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
@ConorTripler
10.
I don’t understand how people can take long showers. I can only handle six minutes of being naked with my life choices.
@slackmistress
11.
I wrote a song about your dog it’s called give him to me
@figgled
12.
“Jen died doing what she loved: googling someone’s net worth on her phone while driving.”
@jenstatsky
13.
teach a man to fish and he’ll leave bc he doesnt need you anymore. he’ll teach a new girl to fish & you’ll see them at the lake all the time
@KingRainhead
14.
*vomits after sending risky text* i love adrenaline
@emotionalyam
15.
My friend’s kid asked what I was gonna be for Halloween and I said “sad,” and she asked “from the movie Inside Out?” so I lied and said yes.
@thetigersez
16.
*mixes three different flavors of slurpees*
i contain multitudes
@dommetoretto
17.
I wish anti-depression ads would show less “gazing out a rainy window” and more “eating Doritos naked in a bed with unchanged sheets”
@DanaSchwartzzz
18.
When I get married, when I give my vows I want like 12 of my closest friends hyping me up and repeating everything I say like a rap battle
@_Berma
19.
me: im so exhausted i need more sleep me at 3 am:
@CLAPBACK2016
20.
“Please, tell me more about your spinning class.”
@KarenKilgariff