1.
my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) September 18, 2017
2.
my body: WATER please I need it
— lainedavis (@lainekdavis) September 18, 2017
me: you – you want iced coffee??
3.
me: *double texts a boy who left me on read*
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) September 21, 2017
government agent who reads all my texts: oh i see she's back on her bullshit again *sigh*
4.
If she steals your hoodies, you just gotta steal her leggings. Cut em up and use em as a shooter sleeve at the hoop session
— Clayton Bigsby (@YourFavTweeter_) September 21, 2017
5.
[chick-fil-a]
— Reagan (@reayonce) September 17, 2017
customer: thx
employee: ur welcome
[cow in distance making slicing motion over throat with hoof]
employee: I mean…my pleasure
6.
My psych professor asked if we'd heard of Pavlov. I said "it rings a bell." No one laughed, I'm too witty for this class.
— Steve Fawley (@stevehasnoweave) September 21, 2017
7.
person: hey, you alright?
— natalie (@loveslikeastar) September 20, 2017
me: just had a mental breakdown two minutes ago
me: pic.twitter.com/bhVctbxILA
8.
Girls are powerful af bc they will text a guy "lol k" and ignore him for 14 hours straight even when they're actually laying in bed like pic.twitter.com/cqzHiseCd2
— Ali (@Ali_Thoughts) September 18, 2017
9.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn't available until next week.
— Aaron Rand (@aaronrand) September 21, 2017
10.
me on a bad day pic.twitter.com/CxTJcFuuMa
— jess (@jesswithsleeves) September 20, 2017
11.
Carrie Fisher feeding Meryl Streep chocolate cake; a masterpiece pic.twitter.com/ziFoyyIycb
— Miranda (@Merrandaa) September 22, 2017
12.
"Wyd after smoking this?" pic.twitter.com/VF0udABpAA
— NO CHILL (@NoChillPosts) September 23, 2017
13.
lmao Florida pic.twitter.com/8c1y0M7dqM
— dorsey.avi (@dorseyshaw) September 21, 2017
14.
Kylie Jenner: mum I'm pregnant please don't tell any-
—fai (@champainnx) September 22, 2017
Kris Jenner: *on the phone to TMZ* "guess what…" pic.twitter.com/Dmqoddv7dS
15.
How Italians use forks pic.twitter.com/LTzDH3XU08
— steez (@austeezy13) September 19, 2017
16.
me: I'm not someone who cares about the Kardashians
— Ryan Schocket (@RyanSchocket) September 22, 2017
TMZ: Kylie Jenner is pregnant.
me: pic.twitter.com/EA47g3WdPo
17.
Gaga: "Can I get a name?"
— Eduardo | Gaga (@BogantesEduardo) June 18, 2017
Me: "Alejandro"
Gaga: "Don't call me, get out." pic.twitter.com/gWLmBD8A6k
18.
WHEN I TELL YOU I AM WEAK pic.twitter.com/mlwoeeJPoj
— reggie (@1942bs) September 18, 2017
19.
Me: I don't think I need to upgrade. My current iPhone works gre–
— The Gay Burn Book (@SouthernHomo) September 20, 2017
Apple: pic.twitter.com/qmamLuRczg
20.
me seeing someone i went to high school with in public pic.twitter.com/eo8wMVKjCK
— lourdes (@gossipgriII) September 22, 2017
21.
Bill Nye just walked into our elevator while I was snap chatting.. pic.twitter.com/LwCOITAEft
—(@Savmasta) September 22, 2017
22.
Mother! (2017) pic.twitter.com/hDyPMK8JNl
— Michael Blackmon (@blackmon) September 18, 2017
23.
@LebaenesePapi
24.
Me and my future husband waiting on our pizza rolls to be done in the microwave like pic.twitter.com/y9o8N3ovbP
— Juicy Gentlman (@DariusAmore) September 17, 2017
25.
me: *stares at my selfie until it turns ugly*
—(@takistwink) September 17, 2017
me: i knew it pic.twitter.com/VYMo59lOdn
26.
me after i make a vine reference irl and no one understands it pic.twitter.com/hnxjGfDMnD
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) September 20, 2017
27.
to whoever is making these pro-communism edits……thank you pic.twitter.com/FLcciVTdlM
— lourdes (@gossipgriII) September 19, 2017
28.
@finah
29.
why this man's stomach look like woody harrelson lmaooooooo pic.twitter.com/p9BrL1bmT1
— sage (@sagemyster) September 18, 2017