#1

My wife and I are to the point where all I have to do is text her "Hey" and she'll text back "They're on the dresser."

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2020

#2

My wife, ladies and gentlemen pic.twitter.com/dH66tWoeYe

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 16, 2020

#3

Me: happy anniversary!

Wife: *eyes narrow*

Me: what

Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn't say that every morning just in case

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 6, 2020

#4

DATING: can’t wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020

#5

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020

#6

Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2020

#7

ME: *blows out my birthday candles

WIFE: Did you make a wish?

ME: Yes I did.

WIFE: *sighs* Did you wish that squirrels could roar like lions, again?

ME: Yes I did.

— FAT GANDALF (@sofarrsogud) November 6, 2020

#8

10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 31, 2020

#9

Wife: What are you wearing?

Me: I wanted to make a statement.

Wife: Was that statement "I don't know how to dress myself?"

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020

#10

Him: Do you sleep with a fan?

Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it

— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020

#11

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 1, 2020

#12

I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2020

#13

Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020

#14

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) August 28, 2020

#15

Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020

#16

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

— ADHDeanBLM (@ADHDeanASL) August 19, 2020

#17

My wife and I are both working from home.

She microwaved fish.

Time to alert HR.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2020

#18

Wife: I made a cake.

Me: What's the occasion?

Wife: I wanted cake.

The best occasion of all.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020

#19

My wife got a Yankee Candle coupon and I’m not sure if we can afford to save this much money.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 9, 2020

Preview photo credit: HenpeckedHal / twitter.com