1.
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
2.
Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014
3.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
4.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
5.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 7, 2015
An M&M.
In half.
6.
My 3yo "accidentally" unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don't worry, he "fixed" it. pic.twitter.com/MFKWJ2rNqi
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 24, 2014
7.
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
— Goats? (@Gooooats) November 14, 2015
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
8.
Why even pick up their toys when they're gonna move out in 18 to 30 years anyway?
— CRYSTAL KAY (@PLATINUM2000) June 25, 2015
-Me cleaning
9.
In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, "Are you pooping?!?" in a public restroom.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2016
10.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014
11.
70% of parenting is just melting cheese on stuff to try and get your kids to eat it.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) July 12, 2015
The other 30% is dipping it in ketchup.
12.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 22, 2015
13.
Dear kids,
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 23, 2014
The 1st time was funny
The 2nd time was a recap
The 3rd was mildly agitating
…
The 493rd time is shut the hell up
14.
Me: "How many kisses do you need from me?"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 16, 2015
3yo: "Probably just zero."
15.
Living on the edge as a parent means trying to sneak cookies while your kids are still awake.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 16, 2016
16.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down"
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) June 14, 2016
So, yeah, she's mine.
17.
[Puts kids to bed, pours glass of wine, settles in on the couch and turns on TV]
— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) August 16, 2015
"Ahhh. Finally I get to watch Peppa Pig in peace.."
18.
My favorite part of parenting is always having someone around who doesn't yet realize that I am a deeply flawed individual.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 24, 2016
19.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2015
Me: Yes. She did that.
20.
When your 5yo daughter is singing, loudly "deck the halls with balls of jolly!!!" you don't correct her. You just let it go.
— Colin Dunlap (@colin_dunlap) December 2, 2016
21.
9yo: "Dad, does 'psychological' start with a C or an S?"
— Nick Beatty (@bumlaser) December 6, 2016
"Well, I can tell you, but you're not going to like it."
22.
7yo- You worked way harder than me today, dad.
— Cam Houle (@dailydairydiary) November 20, 2016
Me: I always will, lil buddy.
7: Not when you're dead.
Me: (Whispers) Jesus Christ.
23.
If you're thinking about having kids, just know that sometimes toddlers like to do finger paintings
— AussieAnnie (@MummaCrazy) July 6, 2015
on their bedroom wall
with their poop.
24.
7 y/o daughter: "If I'm watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn't they be couchtoons cause I'm not in a car?"
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 5, 2016
No paternity test needed
25.
I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2014
26.
Sorting laundry when you have kids:
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) July 25, 2016
Whites
Lights
Brights
Stinky pee clothes
Darks
Jeans
Sheets
Old cereal bar wtf
Pool towels
Bath towe
27.
Watching "Frozen" again with my daughter because we paid $19.99 to download it so she's going to fucking watch it every day until college.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 9, 2014
28.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 9, 2016
29.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013
30.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— Jessnickerdoodle (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
31.
In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 31, 2012
32.
4yo: I love you, Mommy. Thank you for everything.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) November 28, 2016
M: Aw, that's so sweet of you to say!
4: Do you think our Elf heard me?
33.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— Jeneration Why (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
34.
Sorry we're late. My daughter was eating each individual Cheerio like it was a mini doughnut.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 30, 2015
35.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013
36.
Me: "Good morning!"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 18, 2015
5yo: "Mom, you don't have to say that. I just saw you yesterday."
37.
"Can I ask you a million questions?"
— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 30, 2015
-kids
38.
Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! #momlife
— snap:Caffeineandfair (@CaffeineandF) November 14, 2015
39.
It's easy to judge the seriousness of an injury by my 4yo's refusal to accept a non-character-themed band aid. Verdict: Not Very Serious.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) June 24, 2014
40.
My 5yo just prayed to Santa to help her poop come out painlessly, and I'm wondering where else my parenting might have screwed her up.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 22, 2014
41.
My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because "dirty stuff goes there."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 11, 2015
Sound logic, questionable execution.
42.
Me: "Ask your new friend his name!"
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) November 14, 2016
My 3yo, leaning in way too close to new friend, whispers: "I have a skeleton at home."
43.
It's adorable how my kids are so thrilled with themselves for sharing something with me that I paid for.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 14, 2015
44.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
45.
Me: You need to stay in bed until at least 6am from now on.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 9, 2015
*kid comes downstairs at 2am*
Kid: *shakes me awake* Daddy, what time is it?
46.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 14, 2014
47.
Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
48.
*Mary Poppins voice*
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 5, 2015
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let's go.
49.
Me: I think I ate too much.
— Aaron Aryanpur (@aaroncomedian) November 26, 2016
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
50.
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