51.
I feel like I should create a recording of me saying PLEASE CLEAN THAT UP so I can just hit play 500 times a day.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) November 12, 2015
52.
Me: [in bathroom]
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
53.
Me: Christmas is Jesus' birthday.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2016
4-year-old: What should I get him?
Me: You could be nice to your sisters.
4: I'll get him a hat.
54.
Me: Good morning, son
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 26, 2016
7yo: Daddy, what would happen if you got a puffer fish up your butt?
Me: *goes back to bed
55.
I lead the after-school drama club at my kid's school. A 1st gr said, "Can you teach me how to act like I'm listening when my dad talks?"
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) February 1, 2016
56.
Me: Do you want to write a letter to Santa?
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) December 6, 2016
3yo: Yes. "H."
It IS a good letter.
57.
6yo singing: I said you're old & fat, she said shut up & dance with me.
— #Lifewithboys (@HTLifewithboys) March 24, 2016
Me: The lyric is you're holding back
6yo: No it's not #lifewithboys
58.
Me: Guess what time it is?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2016
6-year-old: I don't have to guess. I can read the clock.
Me: It's time to clean your room.
6: No, it's 2:45.
59.
My 5yo is learning the words 'see' & 'you' and I keep finding creepy notes like "I see you Mom." I'm not impressed, Kindergarten.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) November 7, 2016
60.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself."
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) November 17, 2015
Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.
61.
80% of parenting is yelling through a closed bathroom door.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 20, 2015
62.
7yo: I could see you and my teacher getting married.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) September 1, 2016
Me: I'm married to your mom.
7yo: Well you could get a divorce.
(My 7yo is savage af.)
63.
[At dinner]
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
64.
My kid just ran full force into the wall twice because he wanted too. I'm just gonna start using his college fund to buy wine.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 31, 2013
65.
Fully expecting a few carefully worded questions at the next parents' night. pic.twitter.com/vql21wkgAf
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) April 13, 2016
66.
me: what do you want for lunch
— Alex McDaniel (@AlexMcDaniel) December 2, 2016
3yo: an apple
me: what else
3yo: leaves
67.
Most of your time as a parent is spent touching things in your house and wondering why they're sticky.
— snowjob (@canadasandra) April 1, 2015
68.
Me: "Santa's quite old, you know."
— Lauren Hall-Lew (@dialect) November 25, 2016
4yo: "How old is he? 26? 27?"
69.
"This is not a democracy!!" Every parent. Every morning.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 28, 2015
70.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
— sharon (@rubywoo09) April 1, 2015
71.
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 6, 2016
72.
Parenthood is a journey except it's just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 13, 2015
73.
How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
— Misha BBQJones (@mishakey) January 6, 2013
74.
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2013
75.
Song the 6yo just made up:
— Celeste Ng (@pronounced_ing) December 5, 2016
Spider-spider
Spider-spider
Does whatever a spider does
Can he swing
from a web?
Yes he can
He's a spider
76.
Granny Annie: What are you doing in the refrigerator?
— Annie Fox, M.Ed. (@Annie_Fox) November 26, 2016
2YO: I'm smelling the chocolate milk.
77.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014
at least we don't have to save for college
78.
Most of my time as a mother has been spent in a closet, eating something I didn't want to share.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 3, 2015
79.
3yo: “You need to get your cuddles from someone else I am REALLY busy and you’ve already had enough”
— Leena (@LeenaVanD) November 24, 2016
I didn’t birth you for such rejection
80.
ME: Can I have a goodbye kiss?
— Southworth (@southworth) November 21, 2016
3yo: 9 (leans in close)
3yo: (sneezes violently)
3yo: Bye.
81.
I'm not saying What to Expect When You're Expecting isn't a great book. I'm just saying it could benefit from a chapter on cocktail recipes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 20, 2015
82.
"How's that soup Daddy made?"
— Jessica L (@JessLint) November 26, 2016
7yo: "It tastes like broccoli punching me in the face." #brutallyhonest
83.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
84.
99% of eating at a restaurant with kids is preventing them from spilling their drinks.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) August 30, 2015
85.
Being a father means that every time you say “that’s what she said,” a little voice asks “did she really?”
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) January 21, 2015
86.
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
87.
3YO son: "Why are you 45?"
— Mike Hogan (@DRFHogan) November 21, 2016
Me: "Because that's just how old I am."
3YO: "Is that the last number? Because that's a lot."
88.
"And I'm going to live with you forever and ever"
— AussieAnnie (@MummaCrazy) July 7, 2015
~Toddler threats
89.
3yo: May I have another waffle with syrup?
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) November 21, 2016
Me: You just ate the last one.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: Then can I have just some syrup?
90.
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
91.
7: I'm beating you!
— Master of Mediocrity (@charliedelta7) March 13, 2016
Me: Ok.
7: I'm way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I'm gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
92.
Preschool teacher: Your daughter said a bad word in class.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2015
Me: Where the fuck did she learn that?
93.
You don't know fear until you hear your 2yo flush the toilet and yell "BYE BYE" from the hall bathroom. #funnyparents
— Amy Westmoreland (@lilwestman) October 31, 2015
94.
My 3yo son just sweetly grabbed my face, turned it to face him, and said "can I spit in your mouth?"
— KidsAreDorks (@KidsAreDorks) November 23, 2016
Well, at least he asked first.
95.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn't find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn't even wear glasses.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 31, 2015
96.
4yo: I want another birthday.
— Lori Ann (@MotherofDroids) November 26, 2016
Me: It doesn't work that way, you only get one. And it was in the summer.
4yo: But I don't like that one.
97.
Me: *sings along to radio*
— Melissa McCartney (@ToastyGiraffe) November 26, 2016
3yo: why don't you let it sing all by itself?
98.
Me: Kids, what animal would you take into space?
— Caitlin Obom (@caitlinobom) November 25, 2016
7yo: Puppies!
4yo: A stinky man who farts!
Me: I love it, good luck with the grant process.
99.
[Tucking in my 4 year old]
— Bo Davis (@BoRyan11) November 26, 2016
4YO: Daddy??
Me: Yes buddy?
4: We don't fart on friends.
M: Good advice buddy.
100.
My daily workout is walking through the house 14 times a day turning off all the lights my kids have left on in every room.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) June 11, 2015
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