1.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
— Benton C. Olson (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016
2.
Dawg my husband asked me to go to church with him this morning and I said no. He made breakfast for himself and my son and left this note pic.twitter.com/XaXZQaXwQ2
— Prunella (@_BluntsNRoses) January 8, 2017
3.
i was so high that i thought gpa meant grade point average and then i realized she meant her grandpa who is dead pic.twitter.com/Uyw1P9KK3Z
— ️ (@anuscosgrove) February 21, 2016
4.
one time i saw a cute girl so i tied a balloon to her so i could find her later when i was brave enough to say hi pic.twitter.com/umfbmEVtZe
— abdul (@Advil) February 27, 2016
5.
Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.
— Yung Washcloth (@DatAinoDamPuppy) March 22, 2013
6.
A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 19, 2015
7.
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
8.
My mom just RUINED my dog and she literally said "he wanted to keep it long on the top" I am devastated pic.twitter.com/pjYuGYNhUm
— Lindsay Martin (@lindsaymartin15) November 19, 2016
9.
i bought a phone case online but didnt realize it was for a 6 plus so i gave it to my dad he loves it pic.twitter.com/yKvUeAqDj6
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) August 3, 2016
10.
I just screamed "I hate myself" and 2 minutes later I hear my little brother sliding this note under my door pic.twitter.com/WNhWX3ez3a
— Kaley (@kaleyrams) January 23, 2017
11.
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
12.
Just met this girl running in a banana suit down 17th street. She said it "makes running more fun." Lol pic.twitter.com/Wcy46PghOn
— Sara Kenigsberg (@skenigsberg) April 14, 2016
13.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
— Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
14.
My 4-year-old didn't know what the meat thermometer was called so she said "time knife" which is now what I'll call it until the day I die
— Joey Alison Sayers (@joeyalison) December 31, 2016
15.
My 3 y/o daughter made her first pun today and I almost cried. She was eating an apple I asked her if she liked apples she said apple-lutely
— Indigo Purple (@JoeyPurps) November 28, 2016
16.
did i ever tell you guys about the time we asked our HS teacher what he'd name a racehorse, & he said, w/out hesitation, "santa's boyfriend"
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) February 2, 2012
17.
I started crying in the dining hall because I was laughing so hard after remembering Scooby Doo's real name is "Scoobert Doobert". pic.twitter.com/5Lo5btgj3B
— Jazlin (@glizziemcguire) October 12, 2016
18.
One time my mom dropped her phone while she was talking to me then picked it up and said "You OK?"
— Young Nope (@carolinecox) May 23, 2014
19.
one time i was on a bus and a woman carrying a bible banged her elbow really hard and yelled fart instead of fuck
— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) June 5, 2015
20.
my boyfriend asked me what i wanted to eat & i said i don't know & this what he brings me. pic.twitter.com/JQcMQvloED
— atalya (@chopstckss) June 28, 2016
21.
The second thing my mom made me do was watch the Adele Hello video with her. She kept saying "it's about a murder".
— WalterBlakeKnoblock (@WBKnoblock) November 26, 2015
22.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids' lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 31, 2013