1.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords.
— the dog band (@meandmydog69) September 13, 2016
Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords. pic.twitter.com/4fNWkAmhBY
2.
[squeezing by someone in McDonald's] McScuse me
— Creed Lifehouse (@C2Mhud) June 28, 2017
3.
every year thousands of boyfriends are hunted for their jeans alone
— Ｂｉｅｒ Ａｕｔｏｍａｔａ (@dust_pup) September 22, 2015
4.
You already know what the fuck is going on pic.twitter.com/i88vG9zXXG
— MultiVinsmoke (@_multifrank) June 18, 2017
5.
Saw some pigeon detectives down at the lake trying to solve a murder. pic.twitter.com/24yAYtVujK
— Joey Alison Sayers (@joeyalison) July 4, 2017
6.
get a man who can do both pic.twitter.com/v2GIrxsse6
— war profiteer neopet (@swampbeacon) April 1, 2016
7.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
— josh nalven (@JNalv) February 20, 2013
8.
ME: I'll have the chicken dinner.
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) March 27, 2016
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
9.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (ooo)
— Nate (@inthesedeserts) July 14, 2017
A truck full of eels
Overturned on U.S. 101
It was shipping hell snakes by the ton https://t.co/QqsX8ekoA2
10.
HE MONCH BUTT – renaissance painting, 1602 pic.twitter.com/DGn0VGHmvU
— radmuscles (@PipRasmussen) June 15, 2017
11.
The boys coming back into town pic.twitter.com/0kq4PqwvUg
— Berk (@MalkyDungeon) June 5, 2017
12.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
— malts (@malt_skull) November 2, 2015
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
13.
Same pic.twitter.com/JllT5lG0Wb
— David Gate (@davidgate) June 25, 2017
14.
1960s: let's invent the internet in case there's a nuclear winter and no way of communication
— pierce (@piercespears) June 20, 2017
the internet today: pic.twitter.com/Rnf4spGj1i
15.
me irl pic.twitter.com/bVcPJKKMLc
— me irl (@ItMeIRL) July 11, 2017
16.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) June 24, 2017
Me: if u don't look at them they disappear
Wife: that's ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
17.
Still don't believe in evolution? pic.twitter.com/sfScZWtmfe
— lexi rae (@dysplacement) June 30, 2017
18.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die. pic.twitter.com/AbL9oNw4Is
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 12, 2017
19.
You: Jon Bon Jovi
— Joel (@JoelBleiman) July 1, 2017
Me, an intellectual: Jonathan Bonathan Jovi
20.
i was cursed by the clapping wizard and i am on a quest to kill him will you help me adventurer
— im ganon (@CdiGanon) July 14, 2016
21.
*Clears throat as if to announce something extremely important*
— Jen Lewis (@thisjenlewis) June 28, 2017
"Jurassic Park" but the dinosaurs are from the ‘90s TV show "Dinosaurs" pic.twitter.com/PMhfbuUlbX