35.
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You. @XplodingUnicorn

36. My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her. @moooooog35

37. At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets @Xalqee

38.
Cat purrs. “My cat”
Cat frolics. “My cat”
Cat misses litter tray. “Your cat” @DrMikeLloyd

39. I’m at the level of marriage where “getting lucky tonight” just means we’re having tacos for dinner. @TheCatWhisprer

40. Marriage is essentially agreeing to share 50% of your ice cream for ever @The01Wingman

41. Me: “Are we going out?” Her: “I don’t know, what do you want to do” until we fall asleep on the couch @pazarm

42. When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming. @simoncholland

43.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today. @david8hughes

44.
Me: Wait, so it’s cool for you to use my phone charger but I can’t touch yours?
Wife: Correct. @TheMichaelRock

45.
NEWLYWED: let’s share everything
VETERAN SPOUSE: your knee was on my side of the bed last night @TheCatWhisprer

46. My wife’s shampoo has “oxyfusion technology” so I’m pretty sure my wife’s shampoo is smarter than me. @AndyAsAdjective

47.
MARRIED SEXT
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it’s in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again! @WilliamRodgers

48. My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring. @simoncholland

49. If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used. @WilliamAder

50. My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it. @KentWGraham

51. My son asked what marriage is like, so I said imagine having only one video game, and it loves you forever and puts up with all your crap @PJTLynch

52. The best thing about being married is having someone who can tell you if something is disgusting or not… @TheBoydP

53.
“I was just about to do that chore that I see you’re starting now”
- Marriage @Mr_Kapowski

54.
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
“I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today” @rockymomax

55.
*rolls over & taps wife’s shoulder to wake her*
So it was “An American Tail” & not ‘Tale’ because Fievel was a mouse, right? @AndyAsAdjective

56. My wife messaged me to say she’s excited to have barbecue ribs with me tonight, so I made sure to compliment her sexting skills. @myles_morrison

57. That moment when you realize neither of you remember whose toothbrush is whose @colestrode

58. If at first you don’t succeed maybe your wife will just do it for you from now on like that time I loaded the dishwasher. @simoncholland

59.
Her: we need to talk.
Me: unsubscribe @Gooooats

60. Got a static shock when I kissed my wife today so that’s the end of that. @WilliamAder

61.
“Breakfast in bed, love?”
Me: “ooh, yes please!”
“I made it last week”.
Me: *sigh* @DrMikeLloyd

62.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value @Rlpihl

63. I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired?? @TheBoydP

64. 99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse. @sammyrhodes

65.
Wife: You wanna share a seltzer (can) with me?
Me: Sure!
Definition: Get up and get me a drink. @rello000

66. every night they’re on separate laptops in the same room @bbchinigan

67.
Wife: Make the hotel reservation for date night.
Me: Hey, Hilton. Can you charge my card for a place my wife & I can go to sleep in at 9pm. @lanceburson

68. Marriage is essentially being able to watch another person eat chicken wings without throwing up. @yoyoha

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