1.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
@iwearaonesie
2.
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
@wife_housy
3.
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
@Mr_Kapowski
4.
[plane about to crash]
wife: if you have anythin to say to me you need to say it now
me: remember when i said the dog ate our yankee candle
@KeetPotato
5.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
@StellaGMaddox
6.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That’s the clock
me
wife
me: 535
@iwearaonesie
7.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
@Six_Pack_Mom
8.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
@lazerdoov
9.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@mynameisntdave
10.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
@toujours_fab
11.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
@tchrquotes
12.
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
@MUMSIEesq
13.
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
“I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today”
@rockymomax
14.
Husband: I told you to stop doing that with the knives.
Me: But Wolverine has-
Husband: I said stop.
@efoxington
15.
My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.
@cameronesposito
16.
[facebook]
“5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you”
[real life]
“eat all the leftovers again and i will end you”
@TheCatWhisprer
17.
*rolls over & taps wife’s shoulder to wake her*
So it was “An American Tail” & not ‘Tale’ because Fievel was a mouse, right?
@AndyAsAdjective
18.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
@moooooog35
19.
[Sees bee on my wife's arm]
Uh oh
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
@ruinedpicnic
20.
Wife finds a way.
tastefullyoffensive
21.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
@XplodingUnicorn
22.
My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we’re playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
@joeljeffrey
23.
Me as a husband
@tropicoy
24.
Yesterday was my grandparents 45th anniversary and my grandma was like “if I had killed him 20 years ago I would be out of jail by now” and that basically sums them up
iphone420
25.
My husband & I lying in bed
Me: We should try doctor/patient roleplay
Husband: Heart Disease is the leading cause of death in men over 30
@MommaSmarsh
26.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
@ValeeGrrl
27.
Me: I should calmly explain to him what’s bothering me.
Inner me: Tell him goodnight at 5pm.
@InnerKermit
28.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That’s exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.
@amydillon
29.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
@iwearaonesie
30.
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts
@usedwigs
31.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
@amydillon
32.
Relationship Goals
beben-eleben