1.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
@CornOnTheGoblin

2.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
@InternetHippo

3.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

4.
PROFESSOR X: what exactly is your mutant power?
*I whisper “it’s not very good” in his left ear but he hears it in his right ear*
@thenatewolf

5.
my nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so i can backpack across europe, too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid

6.
[skipping stones on lake]
DATE: it’s such a beautiful evening
ME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
@trojansauce

7.
Is it fuckboy or fuckboi? I want my LinkedIn profile to be perfect.
@Cpin42

8.
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
@ohen39

9.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
@ArfMeasures

10.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
@HMittelmark

11.
@My friend is really passive aggressive. The other day he said “you’re a moron who doesnt know what passive aggressive means”
@EthanCrystal1

12.
You sneak into my office and see a ship in a bottle. Looking closer, you see tiny crewmembers screaming for help. I’m suddenly behind you.
@SirEviscerate

13.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
@thepunningman

14.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
@stephenjmolloy

15.
Me: will there be sausage rolls?
Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there-
Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband’s funeral. Sausage rolls?
@david8hughes

16.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
@SirEviscerate

17.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
@jonnysun

18.
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”
*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
@ygrene

19.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”