1.
Can’t believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are
@AmberTozer
2.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
@TheThryll
3.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
@robfee
4.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
@rolldiggity
5.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
@ieatanddrink
6.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
@AmberTozer
7.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
@RobinMcCauley
8.
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it’s down it looks like there’s two of them, which is gross.
@brettryland
9.
ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
@ConorTripler
10.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
@Im_Tricia
11.
You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?
@ladybirdj
12.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
@SortaBad
13.
Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
@lianamaeby
14.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
@bridger_w
15.
Sorry I yelled “killin’ it” when your mom was eating that banana.
@charstarlene
16.
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say “to the” between each letter in their word.
@KenJennings
17.
The first month of dating is just the guy saying “What?! You’ve never seen (movie title)?!” hundreds of times.
@thepatrickwalsh
18.
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.
@TheNardvark
19.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
@senderblock23
20.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
@mzeld
21.
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, “Who did this to you?”
@Ty_Schutz
22.
I always tip the delivery guy an extra $2.00 if he doesn’t look around for the other six people he thought the sushi would feed.
@TurboGrandma
23.
New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.
@rolldiggity
24.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
@famouscrab
25.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
@robfee