#1
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
keelyflaherty / Via twitter.com

#2
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
CornOnTheGoblin / Via twitter.com

#3

jpbrammer / Via twitter.com

#4
The other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Chelsea_Fagan / Via twitter.com

#5

gommunisd / Via twitter.com

#6

Moristiko / Via twitter.com

#7
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
dril / Via twitter.com

#8

koumegirl / Via twitter.com

#9
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
mikeleffingwell / Via twitter.com

#10
Welcome to the bathroom
bathroom / Via twitter.com

#11
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
CarelWillemse / Via twitter.com

#12

LesaMonroe / Via twitter.com

#13
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bit*h you look desperate.
TheNardvark / Via twitter.com

#14

Steph_I_Will / Via twitter.com

#15
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
hodgesboi15 / Via twitter.com

#16

CBMSt1 / Via twitter.com

#17

annacatkopsky / Via twitter.com

#18
If Chucky the doll tried to attack me I would simply kick him away
alexqarbuckle / Via twitter.com

#19

adamjmoussa / Via twitter.com

#21
At the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with ‘lol this isnt a pharmacy’. bit*h thats a prescription were both stupid
59912111a / Via twitter.com

#22

rolldiggity / Via twitter.com

#23
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”
mtobey / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: annacatkopsky / twitter.com