I do the mannequin challenge every time a stranger knocks on my front door.

— G (@Angrytrashman) November 23, 2016

Spinning away from conversations Wonder Woman style is quite effective

— B (@anerdonfire2) November 23, 2016

i hate when i first meet someone and i'm all shy at first like no this ain't really me just wait

— ㅤ (@preaching) November 23, 2016

an unrequited high-5 from 1989 is still haunting me

— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) November 29, 2016

You haven't experienced true awkwardness unless you've waved back at someone who was actually waving at someone else

— Nathan Miller (@nathan_CCMiller) November 19, 2016

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 1, 2015

Date: I love dogs

Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] my dad is a dog

— james nielssen (@cool_as_heck) August 11, 2016

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous.
HER: You're sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.

— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 21, 2016

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

— moody monday (@mdob11) April 25, 2014

*calling you out of the blue*
Hey I was just overthinking something you said a couple months back. Call me back when you have a chance!

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 19, 2016

Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know

— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) November 14, 2016

[date]

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he's so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he's a piece of shit

— Jacob Swift (@Jacob_Swift16) November 17, 2016

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.

— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) November 27, 2016

I'm not antisocial I just don't people.

— Some Copywriter (@testicleas) November 29, 2016

In retrospect, "so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage" was probably weird small talk for a funeral.

— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) December 10, 2015

[elevator small talk from now on]

THEM: So what's new with you?

ME: Not much. Living an unimaginable nightmare. You?

THEM: Same. Same.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) November 11, 2016

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) July 23, 2016

The best part about it getting dark earlier is that it's socially acceptable to go bed earlier.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 27, 2016

[people in conference room all talking loudly and then a brief moment of silence]
ME: dogs can be astronauts

— Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 16, 2016

"I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure." – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

— summerofbenny (@summerofbenny) July 21, 2012

[making small talk at work]
What do you think about abortion?

— moody monday (@mdob11) November 22, 2016

Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals"

Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"

— unanimated corpse (@davidkenny100) September 20, 2016