1.
"What's your name, son?"
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) December 22, 2015
"Uhhhh…" [looks at cop's shirt pocket] pic.twitter.com/zhgzInhIAT
2.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
3.
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information pic.twitter.com/zsdRtWfa4t
—(@coolado_) September 10, 2017
4.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
5.
Lmao dude on Facebook said he been waiting 4 hours for the P to fall so he could sue Walmart pic.twitter.com/c6t6F91dnP
— Toyin (@ToyinLies2Girls) February 15, 2017
6.
my roommate bansky is at it again. he made coffee and said he put something inside that would "REALLY wake me up" pic.twitter.com/DRD0uCneHU
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 15, 2014
7.
[shark tank]
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) September 1, 2017
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening
8.
priest: let us offer each other the sign of peace
— —ida (@idasiasoco) January 3, 2017
crush: peace be with you
me: pls be with me
crush:
priest:
Father:
Son:
Holy Spirit:
9.
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room pic.twitter.com/wfOeVUm7yW
— Deep Web Italian (@Deno_Tron) July 1, 2017
10.
okay thanks pic.twitter.com/xQpctehYfB
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 10, 2015
11.
High school teachers: I'm MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY
— Momma Becca (@HBecca2017) September 5, 2017
College profs: what up I'm Josh and class is cancelled cuz I'm tired
12.
Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
— kid block (@senderblock23) August 21, 2015
13.
Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning pic.twitter.com/TjCBc9hPcY
— a pumpkin spicy boi (@syrianbryn) September 11, 2017
14.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords.
— the dog band (@meandmydog69) September 13, 2016
Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords. pic.twitter.com/4fNWkAmhBY
15.
I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
— Megan (@megan_middle) June 30, 2017
16.
wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) February 27, 2012
17.
me???? using sarcasm as a defence mechanism?? avoiding my feelings with dark humour???? what???? no way????
— owen (@yepokhi) September 11, 2017
18.
That don't impress me much pic.twitter.com/e9uFC2JBJO
— Ben (@islandniles) July 21, 2017
19.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell pic.twitter.com/LM1yhbkW0M
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) September 12, 2017
20.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
— Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
21.
FettyGainz
22.
How can I be a misogynist if I live in my MOM's basement
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 12, 2017
23.
Trivial Pursuit makers change all mentions of "km" to "kilometres" as a universal find and change. Can't see what could go wrong there. pic.twitter.com/956hYeJw3B
— John Lewis (@JohnELewis) January 3, 2017
24.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
25.
Beyoncé: *uses iPhone X facial recognition*
— brendon skolat (@brendonSkolat) September 12, 2017
iPhone X: pic.twitter.com/8ao9moveCd
26.
me overthinking how I said "here" during attendance pic.twitter.com/YEx9saFzqz
— sof (@sofritolocito) September 7, 2017
27.
SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME TO TRACE OUT THE DISNEY STARS' WAND IN THE AWKWARD COMMERICAL OUTTAKES I'M WHEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF MY WHOLE BEING pic.twitter.com/88eZ3LcLSN
— ari (@arigoggles) January 7, 2017
28.
@SteeloCity
29.
Fred flintstone been driving about killie pic.twitter.com/PJbkAvV3gN
— Nick (@WheresMaJaiket) January 12, 2017
30.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 1, 2017
WEB MD: cancer
31.
[jail]
— Joe West (@joejwest) March 14, 2015
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop's mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
32.
I've never laughed so hard in my entire life pic.twitter.com/TuAV2xsDQM
— Sana (@michaelsana13) March 12, 2017
33.
Irma please accept this offering pic.twitter.com/FPk3ZqzmlZ
— rusev with a gun (@SUPLEXClTYBITCH) September 10, 2017
34.
RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food
— CITIZEN KRANG (@KrangTNelson) July 9, 2017
ME: that's great. love it
RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run
ME: no
35.
Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.
— Phil Gibson (@philgibson01) June 17, 2013
36.
Javert: AND I AM JAVERT, DO NOT FORGET MY NAME
— local asexual thot (@dylanjakemorris) September 11, 2017
IKEA: got it pic.twitter.com/6Zmq88quRq
37.
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real pic.twitter.com/W4x1Gi23Xe
— spacegirl (@iamspacegirl) May 3, 2016
38.
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
— Austin Sawyer (@austy23) August 29, 2017
39.
Nailed it. pic.twitter.com/L7mrWA2xC2
— James (@JayGreatorex) January 16, 2017
40.
Cashier: Sorry for your wait! We're short staffed
— Steven (@IIIIIMCMXCV) March 11, 2017
Millennial: It's fine! Don't worry!
Middle Aged Woman: pic.twitter.com/1DEDHuP5sj
41.
Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the fuck is this person doing
— lewie (@Ixwie) September 8, 2017
42.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
43.
that motherfucker really put on pants just so he could moon his computer. bold, and also iconic pic.twitter.com/KOqVbqnYvk
— count raptula (@brentraptor) September 7, 2017
44.
girls these days at 2 vs. me when I was 2 pic.twitter.com/hnNXMBMQgo
— lourdes (@gossipgriII) August 30, 2017
45.
Thank goodness for the BBC. I don't pay my TV licence to see filth like "mother" on the telly. pic.twitter.com/c7ETzjqxWO
— V. (@_vixx) September 5, 2017
46.
*tries to shit quietly in a public restroom*
— malik (@McClouty) September 10, 2017
my ass: pic.twitter.com/xnmvFqfvnG
47.
genie: please no
— Tami Cru (@TamiCru) August 29, 2017
millipede: more legs
48.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die. pic.twitter.com/AbL9oNw4Is
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 12, 2017
49.
y'all really ain't shit lmaooo pic.twitter.com/3UCwWY2af8
— ta'e (@elle_mfao) September 7, 2017
50.
i ran outta sandwhich bags smh the struggle is real pic.twitter.com/Op7iFYfjAf
— maha (@wallahi) January 31, 2017
51.
[Funeral]
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) September 3, 2017
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do"
Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
52.
" work until your bank account looks like a phone number " pic.twitter.com/mgzPtynTTi
— woof (@scruffbutt) July 23, 2017
53.
Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho pic.twitter.com/lLjbWp4s4N
— alex (@sIiceofpizza) June 23, 2017
54.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
— dī(ə)ltōn (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017
55.
I JUST WANTED A VIDEO OF THE CATS PLAYING AND THEN ?!!!?? pic.twitter.com/j6EGWvCtBt
— sarah (@sarahjorden_) June 20, 2017
56.
[concert]
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
CROWD: woo
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
57.
What you see vs. what your family sees when you reset the router pic.twitter.com/lAiGOz5Vt5
— AJ (@ImAJBro) September 5, 2017
58.
When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger pic.twitter.com/doRAHLECsK
— JAMEER (@TRAPTASTlCAL) July 19, 2017
59.
Not really how I imagined the second coming pic.twitter.com/dFQe1AlD5l
— ㅤAyyAyyRon (@Sturrfridge) January 14, 2017
60.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 1, 2017
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don't need that many
61.
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO
— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
62.
i have two moods pic.twitter.com/2hvk5vgE26
— harriet pudney (@lqpharriet) July 18, 2017
63.
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke pic.twitter.com/o180oOeqye
— joey (@joeyz95) July 23, 2017
64.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) February 27, 2014
65.
When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you. pic.twitter.com/uqVHCVEoe4
— Philly Byrne(@PhilipNByrne) July 18, 2017
66.
if this cat told me to murder someone I would pic.twitter.com/A8WMq514Jv
— titless wonder (@joanofdarkness) August 6, 2016
67.
a tale as old as time pic.twitter.com/NyqZo8qj69
— dev, a good girl (@bummermaid) August 25, 2017
68.
How much for the horse tornado?
— ASAP Lonely (@porksodachop) February 27, 2013
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.
69.
A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey" pic.twitter.com/y3COkiJLAK
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 17, 2016
70.
Asked me mum if she could bring my charger down stairs, she replied "shout the dog" pic.twitter.com/BLQRzEEfwN
— Sophie Billington (@sophiebillo1) June 21, 2017
71.
Riley, you're a genius. pic.twitter.com/Lp3VAf7C2Q
— Joel Willans (@Joelwillans) July 30, 2017
72.
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
— Matt Tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"
73.
Me: could i have a pepsi
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) June 2, 2016
Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally
Me: *smiling through tears* yeah
*we kiss*
74.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
— Daniel Edison (@DanielEdison_) July 10, 2015
75.
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV
— Jujitsu Joe (@EricThomas_311) July 24, 2017