#1 The only part of your reflection in a mirror that you can lick is your tongue.

#2 No matter how many lasagnas you stack on top of each other, you still only ever have one lasagna in the end.

#3 If your front door has a mail slot, you’re living inside a mailbox.

#4 Real adult behavior is having your bed touching only one wall.

#5 You never stop clapping. When you’re not clapping, that’s just a longer pause between two claps.

#6 The best liar you know is actually not the best liar you know.

#7 It’d be amazing if, after you die, you could see the top 5 moments where you nearly died.

#8 And cemeteries would be far more interesting if the causes of death were included on gravestones.

#9 Chase scenes in films will be extremely quiet once electric cars become mainstream.

#10 Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.

#11 The film Titanic is kind of like someone making a romantic movie about a modern-day tragedy in 100 years’ time.

#12 If you’re in a store and music that you like is playing, you know you’re part of the target audience.

#13 If you pour cola soda in your whiskey, you’re a novice. If you pour whiskey in your soda, you’re an alcoholic.

#14 If you do the same thing for 8 hours every day, that’s madness. Unless you get paid for it – then it’s a job.

#15 All children deserve to have parents. But not all parents deserve to have children.

#16 Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you aren’t alone is either the best thing in the world, or the creepiest. There is no in between.

#17 One day someone at Google just suggested, “How about we drive along every street on the planet?” And someone else thought that was a totally legitimate idea.

#18 Knowing that you’ve got tomorrow off work is more liberating than the day off itself.

#19 A person in a suit in a room full of T-shirt wearers is probably the most important person. But same for a person in a T-shirt in a room full of suit-wearers.

#20 Dogs probably like biting squeaky toys so much because they sound like helpless little animals.

#21 If the Earth really is flat, then maybe the dinosaurs just live on the underside and we’re just digging up their buried dead.

#22 There’s no reliable proof that today really is Wednesday. We all just blindly trust that nobody’s miscounted.

#23 Birthday presents are rewards for not having died yet.

#24 The first person who inhaled helium must have been EXTREMELY relieved when their voice slowly returned to normal.

#25 First the internet made the postal service almost redundant thanks to email, but now, online shopping is making it more important than ever before.

#26 At the airport we go through endless checks and scans, but once you’re at the baggage carousel, nobody cares what bag you take.

#27 Maybe mythical creatures were only a thing because humans didn’t wear glasses in earlier times.

#28 Keys only exist because people are a*sholes.

#29 A language consists of sounds we’ve agreed upon.

#30 When you look up at the heavens, you’re actually looking up into the infinite abyss of the universe and our gravity is the only thing stopping you from falling into infinity forever.

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