1.
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
— ibid (@ibid78) August 16, 2016
[later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken
2.
[me as a DJ]
— Jennathan (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one's for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
3.
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
— Matt Tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"
4.
ME: "Trick or bear?"
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 31, 2014
NEIGHBOR: "Bear?"
ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
5.
"So we kill a tree"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 23, 2015
Ok
"And put it inside our house"
Nice
"Then we hang up some socks"
I'm with ya
"And then we drink egg milk punch"
What
6.
My dad, who has been in a coma for 3 months and presumed dead, texted me this pic.twitter.com/KDUXQV3Oe9
— chrıs (@spliced_) December 30, 2016
7.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
— nina gann sucks (@ninatreemonkey) February 15, 2016
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
8.
"On October 3rd he asked me what day it was" pic.twitter.com/Hqzz7GSEBZ
— zackisontumblr (@Zackarad) October 3, 2016
9.
[first date]
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2016
"can I take your order?"
me: *studying menu* we'll need a few more minutes
*car behind us honks*
10.
the dogs fuckin found out about religion, call the cops. no not the regular cops pic.twitter.com/Pf73O2TSgO
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) January 4, 2014
11.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
— brent (@murrman5) October 14, 2014
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
12.
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
[me from a distance] just open it
13.
[stuart little stops next to me at the light in his fuckin sweet ass little red car]
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 11, 2016
my gf, immediately: i think we should see other people
14.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
15.
*takes your order*
— brent (@murrman5) April 28, 2014
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
"did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?"
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
16.
well that's the last time I eat spaghetti and drive pic.twitter.com/5ruVDZ6XUR
— devjn (@deadszn) June 24, 2016
17.
Can't help but feel we're playing with fire here. pic.twitter.com/dqbYSmwLkx
— Niall Gooch (@niall_gooch) December 19, 2016
18.
— (wooting softly) (@dogboner) June 22, 2016
19.
i know when that hotline bling
— mandy (@pocahontascruz) December 18, 2016
glory to the newborn king
20.
Please my wife… She's very ill pic.twitter.com/IIJ3lvkhLC
— Brennon Elzy (@BrandonElzby) December 18, 2016
21.
Powerful photos from the People vs. O.J. Simpson trial
— nick denbow (@nickdenbow11) December 29, 2016
(June 12, 1994) pic.twitter.com/djIK6IunHM
22.
MARILYN MONROE: on top of spaghetti, all covered in cheese, missssster presssident
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) December 16, 2016
JFK: (whispering to self) i'm so fucking hard right now