1.
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
@XplodingUnicorn

2.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
@Playing_Dad

3.
Me: Someday, you’ll have feelings for boys.
6-year-old: I already have feelings for them.
Me: Really?
6: They make me mad.
@XplodingUnicorn

4.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.
@JennyPentland

5.
4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
Me: I’m allergic. We can’t be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
@XplodingUnicorn

6.
Me to my son: You remind me of me.
Son: That’s just mean.
@JimGaffigan

7.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
@amydillon

8.
dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”
@Dadmissions

9.
My 11-year old’s birthday card to me. #blessed

@brian_sack

10.
Me: Get out of bed.
4-year-old: No!
Me: Why do you fight me every single morning?
4: Because you never learn.
@XplodingUnicorn

11.
Me:”Sweetie, what do you say when you do something wrong?”
4yo: “I didn’t do that!”
@Kathy_Cooperman

12.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
@DaddyJew

13.
Me: Pick up your toys
6-year-old: *picks up a toy and sets it back down*
Me: I meant pick it up and put it away
6: I’m not a mind reader.
@XplodingUnicorn

14.
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
@aaroncomedian

15.
I lead the after-school drama club at my kid’s school. A 1st gr said, “Can you teach me how to act like I’m listening when my dad talks?”
@martinisandmini

16.
6-year-old: Why do bad guys always try to take over?
Me: They want to be in charge and make all the rules.
6: Why don’t they become moms?
@XplodingUnicorn

17.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@SardonicTart

18.
[looking up at the night sky]
Me: You can make a wish on any star you want.
5-year-old: Which one is the Death Star?
@XplodingUnicorn

19.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers.

@XplodingUnicorn

20.
Me: Guess what time it is?
6-year-old: I don’t have to guess. I can read the clock.
Me: It’s time to clean your room.
6: No, it’s 2:45.
@XplodingUnicorn