1.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
@charliedelta7

2.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
@mompsychologist

3.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
@LurkAtHomeMom

4.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.
@JennyPentland

5.
My 3yo “accidentally” unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don’t worry, he “fixed” it.
@ReasonsMySonCry

6.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
@XplodingUnicorn

7.
dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”
@Dadmissions

8.
My 5yo on her 1st day of K: “They asked me to count as high as I could. I could’ve done 200, but I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.”
@BridgetOnTV

9.
7-year-old: Can you buy me a goldfish?
Me: No.
7: Is it too expensive?
Me: That’s not the problem.
7: You could buy me a silver fish.
@XplodingUnicorn

10.
My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.”
Sound logic, questionable execution.
@daddydoinwork

11.
Me: “Why are these Legos all over the floor?!”
5: “To keep everyone else away; it’s my computer turn.”
BRILLIANT.

@Six_Pack_Mom

12.
Me: Pick up your toys
6-year-old: *picks up a toy and sets it back down*
Me: I meant pick it up and put it away
6: I’m not a mind reader.
@XplodingUnicorn

13.
6yo: is Santa Claus real?
Me: what do you think?
6yo: I think … I don’t want to have this conversation right now
@anne_theriault

14.
4yo:*takin sip of my Dr. Pepper* what flavor is that?
Me:Dr. Pepper
4yo:*looks at me like I’m a moron* That’s not a flavor, that’s a person.
@Snarkles77

15.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@Brianhopecomedy

16.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
@WorkingMom86

17.
My son got mad at me yesterday and opened all the bananas in the house. What type of passive aggressive monster…

@VictorPopeJr

18.
7 y/o daughter: “If I’m watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn’t they be couchtoons cause I’m not in a car?”
No paternity test needed
@Mr_Kapowski

19.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
@TragicAllyHere

20.
When you’re not hungry for the whole pizza, but you still don’t want to share.
-4yo life hack

@LurkAtHomeMom

21.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
@Playing_Dad

22.
Me: Guess what time it is?
6-year-old: I don’t have to guess. I can read the clock.
Me: It’s time to clean your room.
6: No, it’s 2:45.
@XplodingUnicorn

23.
Me: Let’s go pack your lunch for school tomorrow!
5yo: I went to school today.
Me: Yes, and you go again tomorrow.
5yo: What?!?!?!
@LianaBrooks

24.
3YO son: “Why are you 45?”
Me: “Because that’s just how old I am.”
3YO: “Is that the last number? Because that’s a lot.”
@MHoganSays

25.
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.
@XplodingUnicorn

26.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
@PaperWash

27.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
@jessokfine