Health

20 Tweets About Getting Old That Are Funny Because They’re True

I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

That bath towel you use after your shower is not as clean as you might think. Bacteria and germs are all over it.

If you want a healthy baby, you need to stop smoking long before you plan for the pregnancy.

If it's not ~tragically beautiful~, is it really depression?

Spend five minutes out in the open air.

*tries to get eight hours sleep in three hours*

Healthy alternatives aren't nearly as satisfying as my self-destructive habits are.

So they won't show sex on TV but showing a hot pizza slice slowly being lifted up is just fine.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Good morning to everyone except people who curl in the squat rack.

I don't need to check my period tracker. I just pointed at a squirrel and said, "You're a beautiful fuckwad, you know that?"

My running form could be described as "drunk woman slowly being chased by no one."

Last night I dropped my birth control pill and I thought I saw it on the ground but when I picked it up it was a fucking lentil.

What's the point?

Me: *does anything* Body: First of all how dare you

Would you rather wake up to this or a CRYING BABY!!