Tweets

18 Tweets That Will Make You Piss Yourself Laughing Even If You Don’t Have Kids

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

Him: "I like hot dogs." Me, trying to impress him: "Scooby-Doo is very attractive."

[After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes] "OK I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.

Let's melt that cold heart of yours.

You need this today.

These people weren't looking for numbers, but numbers found them anyway.

Every year thousands of boyfriends are hunted for their jeans alone.

Mixing parents and Twitter is a dangerously hilarious combination that we have already established previously.

Every year, thousands of boyfriends are hunted for their jeans alone.

Beware diet advice that recommends "eating light," for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole

Ur weird if ur on holiday n u don't go up to ur hotel room and lay on the bed naked eatin Lays.

Another day, another 77 cents.

See guys, Twitter isn't all bad.

If your ma doesn't scroll this post with her index finger, is she really your ma?

I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change.