1.
Daughter: You're invading my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
Mom: You came out of my personal space
2.
My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 9, 2016
3.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
— nice eric (@ericsshadow) March 25, 2016
4.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
5.
Me to my son: You remind me of me.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 16, 2016
Son: That's just mean.
6.
[looking up at the night sky]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2016
Me: You can make a wish on any star you want.
5-year-old: Which one is the Death Star?
7.
I tell my kids that it's important to learn pointless algebra because someday they may have to help their kids learn pointless algebra.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2016
8.
[At dinner]
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
9.
Child's new thing is to spin in circles till he's dizzy and falls down. This is the 2 year old equivalent of going to the bar.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 24, 2016
10.
Kids' ears are amazing. It takes 7 times to hear "Pick up that toy" yet they can hear a bag of chips open at 50 yards.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) May 30, 2016
11.
[two of my four kids burst into tears]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.
12.
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
13.
I don't care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 1, 2016
14.
My 2-year-old handed me a candy bar.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2016
I hugged her for finally learning how to share.
Turns out she just wanted me to open it.
15.
6: Daddy, I'm mad at you.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) March 3, 2016
Me: What for?
6: I'm not telling you.
She's already a woman.
16.
I lead the after-school drama club at my kid's school. A 1st gr said, "Can you teach me how to act like I'm listening when my dad talks?"
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) February 1, 2016
17.
Me: Get out of bed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2016
4-year-old: No!
Me: Why do you fight me every single morning?
4: Because you never learn.
18.
My kids cleaned the kitchen without being asked & now I'm afraid of what they want from me.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 12, 2016
19.
When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) August 15, 2016
20.
Me: I think I ate too much.
— Aaron Aryanpur (@aaroncomedian) November 26, 2016
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.