1.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
@johnbcrist

2.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
@adult_mom

3.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
@TheGladStork

4.
Me: Cancel print job.
Printer: Nope. Fuck you.
@thatcarlygirl

5.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
@upsidedowntrash

6.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
@squirrel74wkgn

7.
BACK TO SCHOOL
OR IF YOU ARE AN ADULT
THE WHEEL CONTINUES RELENTLESSLY SPINNING LARGELY WITHOUT CHANGE
@SICKOFWOLVES

8.
My favorite thing about weekends is how you just feel every emotion at once until you have to go back to work
@slaughthie

9.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
@KeetPotato

10.
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
***dies***
@ambermruffin

11.
[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
Me: *leaves*
@ohpeetie

12.
A woman climbed Mount Everest twice in 5 days and I just spent 5 minutes trying to grab the remote with my foot from my side of the couch.
@AbbyHasIssues

13.
What’s everyone’s favorite thing about the weekend? Mine is pretending that 2 days is a sufficient break from 5 days of work.
@OhNoSheTwitnt

14.
me on monday: man i cant wait for the weekend so i can let loose
me on friday: if i play this right, i can stay in bed until monday morning
@bobvulfov

15.
U ever about to go so hard on some food you need a hair tie
@charstarlene

16.
Her: *texts something funny*
Me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one “ha”*
@ClichedOut

17.
me in 2042: 30 years ago? you mean the 1970s?
@merrittk

18.
why is my stomach so flat in the mornings until i eat a crumb and i’m suddenly 8 months pregnant with twins
@marleylaceyx

19.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
@KentWGraham