1.
If you email me, I apparently only respond at one of two times: After one second, or four and a half years later
@pierce

2.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
@simoncholland

3.
me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .
@smeezi

4.
I’m 20 at home I’m 12 at restaurants with my family

@sophxthompson

5.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
@AudreyPorne

6.
sorry if i’ve ever said that I wanted to hang w you but never did!! I’m so bad at doing things!!! and being a person!!!! luv u tho!!!!!
@emilieidler

7.
Alright I’m just gonna say it. I always eat the other person’s fries on the way home and then keep the one that’s more full
@HoLLyBiEbZzZ

8.
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called “why did I tell that story?”
@JohnMayer

9.
How much garlic recipes call for vs how much I use

@wrackune

10.
Remember when we tied our tshirts back with a hair tie because we thought they were too big, and now it’s like “put me down for a 5x”
@alexleighmorrow

11.
Me trying to squeeze a 5 minute song in before I arrive at my destination that’s 2 minutes away

@alltheangelssay

12.
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?
ME: sure
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked
@bea_ker

13.
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like “we should pregame this food w more food” and I think that’s really beautiful
@unofficialemba

14.
I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I’m not going
@dumbbeezie

15.
[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
@murrman5

16.
getting a full 8 hours of sleep

@JustinGrome

17.
Are u even at work if u and your work pals don’t say ‘i can’t be arsed’ every single time you walk past each over
@dreewtoddx

18.
I’m off to bed

@MattNugentYC

19.
Uber driver: ………..
Me: ……….
Uber driver: ……….
Me: 5 stars.
@MohanadElshieky

20.
when you listening to one of you fave songs but it’s got a bad memories attached to it and but it’s a good song

@INDIEWASHERE

21.
Every time I drive in the rain, I check other drivers wipers just to see if I’m being too dramatic with mine
@kiermcwilliam

22.
Fucking weird that if you wanna get to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping
@j_bennett9

23.
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER
-remember to use your energy sparingly. It’s a marathon, not a sprint
-make sure you stay hydrated
-don’t panic
@manytypesoftea

24.
this is… the most relatable thing i’ve ever seen

@skrutskie

25.
No ones seen me at my worst like my corner shop man has
@@ledaazimi

26.
Adult friendship = 2 people saying “I haven’t seen you in forever! We should really hang out more” over and over again until one of you dies
@apocalynds

27.
Out of all the thousands of showers I’ve had in my life, I can only remember about four.
@jeremylimb