1.
If you email me, I apparently only respond at one of two times: After one second, or four and a half years later
@pierce
2.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
@simoncholland
3.
me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .
@smeezi
4.
I’m 20 at home I’m 12 at restaurants with my family
@sophxthompson
5.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
@AudreyPorne
6.
sorry if i’ve ever said that I wanted to hang w you but never did!! I’m so bad at doing things!!! and being a person!!!! luv u tho!!!!!
@emilieidler
7.
Alright I’m just gonna say it. I always eat the other person’s fries on the way home and then keep the one that’s more full
@HoLLyBiEbZzZ
8.
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called “why did I tell that story?”
@JohnMayer
9.
How much garlic recipes call for vs how much I use
@wrackune
10.
Remember when we tied our tshirts back with a hair tie because we thought they were too big, and now it’s like “put me down for a 5x”
@alexleighmorrow
11.
Me trying to squeeze a 5 minute song in before I arrive at my destination that’s 2 minutes away
@alltheangelssay
12.
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?
ME: sure
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked
@bea_ker
13.
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like “we should pregame this food w more food” and I think that’s really beautiful
@unofficialemba
14.
I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I’m not going
@dumbbeezie
15.
[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
@murrman5
16.
getting a full 8 hours of sleep
@JustinGrome
17.
Are u even at work if u and your work pals don’t say ‘i can’t be arsed’ every single time you walk past each over
@dreewtoddx
18.
I’m off to bed
@MattNugentYC
19.
Uber driver: ………..
Me: ……….
Uber driver: ……….
Me: 5 stars.
@MohanadElshieky
20.
when you listening to one of you fave songs but it’s got a bad memories attached to it and but it’s a good song
@INDIEWASHERE
21.
Every time I drive in the rain, I check other drivers wipers just to see if I’m being too dramatic with mine
@kiermcwilliam
22.
Fucking weird that if you wanna get to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping
@j_bennett9
23.
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER
-remember to use your energy sparingly. It’s a marathon, not a sprint
-make sure you stay hydrated
-don’t panic
@manytypesoftea
24.
this is… the most relatable thing i’ve ever seen
@skrutskie
25.
No ones seen me at my worst like my corner shop man has
@@ledaazimi
26.
Adult friendship = 2 people saying “I haven’t seen you in forever! We should really hang out more” over and over again until one of you dies
@apocalynds
27.
Out of all the thousands of showers I’ve had in my life, I can only remember about four.
@jeremylimb