1.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
laurajaylovette

2.
therapist: you need to open up more
me: i can’t
therapist: why not
me: let me visualise it for you

IHLaking

3.
me, at a club: do you take requests?
DJ: yeah what’s up
me: *slides over $10* please turn it down
MaxxSIO

4.
I get so mad when people ask what i’m gonna do on my day off!!!! bit*h i’m gonna recover from all my days on
pants_leg

5.
me rn

nickreznik

6.
My customer service voice is the fakest bit*h. I don’t know her
deelalz

7.
The most important thing I’ve learned in life, and I can’t stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think
KevinFarzad

8.
You’re never too old to say “horses” when you drive past some horses
mattslusser

9.
I’m SCREAMING.

atomiclust

10.
If I tell you I’m 5 minutes away and you believe me that is your own personal problem
HeySar4h

11.
“Ahhh fu*k” – me realizing tonight is the fun concert I excitedly bought tickets for
DanHopp

12.
Me checking my bank account and calling my friends to make plans anyway

TraeGilley

13.
i just don’t think we should be expected to do something every day
_jorts_

14.
Ladies, rt if you know what’s up. My bf doesn’t believe me that other girls do this when they’re mad

giannasantan

15.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
emmabetsinger

16.
“you always look tired”
BECAUSE I AM TIRED BIT*H

tristehomo

17.
I wonder how old i’ll be when i stop throwing up a peace sign every time somebody puts the camera on me
ShainaSpears

18.
Sorry i’m late I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour staring at the wall
peyton_darnelll

19.
I’d rather die than make two trips carrying in groceries!

HoJoLego

20.
*handing my hairdresser a picture of when I was happy*
i wanna look like this lol
maybetomhanks

21.

oldlinds

22.
I took a side profile to see how my nose looked and idk what I was expecting to see but I think I just hurt my own feelings
honestlyhafsa

23.
Been prototyping this diet lately:
1pm: 1 small orange
4pm: 1 bowl of grain based substance
9pm: 1400-calorie junk food “chaos meal”
You don’t gain any weight and you’re tired all the time. It’s win win
i_zzzzzz

24.
People who dry swallow pills carry a terrifying amount of chaotic energy and should not be fu*ked with under any circumstances whatsoever

25.
When the microwave do all that damn poppin but your food still cold.

Chris_CrossYa2x

26.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
alexmeyerrr

27.
Yit’s been

smithsara79

28.
When I say “I’ll let you know”…

KennSunshine

29.
Index Finger Rips Into Toilet Paper Package Like Velociraptor Claw

TheOnion

30.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
honzogonzo

31.
Wanna feel attacked???? Wear ripped jeans to any family event
emaleeeng

32.
My debit card feels more like a gift card…not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
1Rohde

33.
The famous cookout table legs

juve_kelly

34.
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
BlairAlzuro

35.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
TheCheish

36.
ME: I look cute
MIRRORS: you look cute
STORE WINDOWS: you look cute
OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute
IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bit*h
katefeetie

37.
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed
When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
katiebergey

38.

70Ceeks

39.
me driving: “i’ll hit you bit*h” me walking: “hit me bit*h”
allieburns_10

40.
I don’t understand why I can never finish a bag of lettuce before it expires in a week but can finish a BUCKET of chocolate pretzels that is gunna be fine until 2025 in one sitting.
hanchambers

41.
It’s like … you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.
alllllisun

42.
My 3 brain cells

whenitlands

43.
When you become a grown up, people stop asking you what your favourite dinosaur is.
They don’t even care.
citizenkawala

44.
You know how when you’re a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you’ll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That’s annoying.
gaberivera

45.
me: sorry, i can’t. i’m swamped right now.
narrator: he was not. he was looking at pictures of dogs that ate bees.

jdsctt

46.
A tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn’t coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed
leahbullock_8