1.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
2.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 12, 2014
3.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
4.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 5, 2015
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
5.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 4, 2014
6.
Me to baby: Say Dada!
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) March 24, 2015
Husband: You don't want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won't leave me alone. This one's yours.
7.
Parenting a newborn:
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 24, 2015
30% feeding
50% changing diapers
20% worrying
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math
8.
Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"
— tina (@tinatbh) July 17, 2015
Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"
Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
9.
why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014
10.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
11.
People my age are making babies and I can't even make a salad
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) May 7, 2015
12.
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2015
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.
13.
HER: HAVE YOU SEEN THE BABY?!?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) September 22, 2015
ME: If he loves you, he'll come back.
14.
Some people have painted the Sistine Chapel. Others built pyramids. I once moved a baby from the car to a crib without the baby waking up.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 4, 2015
15.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) December 4, 2014
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
16.
oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two
— jonbeignet ramsey (@jdelwoo) June 20, 2012
17.
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2015
18.
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 17, 2014
19.
Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby?
— Meowrin (@marinhubka) September 14, 2015
[flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor]
Me: that's ok
20.
Me: We already have three girls. What do you think the new baby will be?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2015
2-year-old daughter: A cat.
21.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 15, 2015
22.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015
Me: Ah yes, very baby
23.
(Sees Facebook picture of a crush from middle school holding her second newborn)
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 30, 2015
“I guess it’s really over between us."
24.
*picks up crying baby* it's fine buddy when u grow up you will learn how to do this on the inside
— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito) June 11, 2015
25.
FYI you can't snooze the baby monitor
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 20, 2015
26.
Babies are okay if you're into alarm clocks that poop.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 17, 2015
27.
Is it me or does burping a baby feel like russian roulette with vomit?
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) January 29, 2014
28.
Wife: can you change the baby
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 28, 2015
Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
29.
I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 12, 2015
30.
I slept like a baby!
— Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) January 11, 2015
"Lucky!"
No. Not lucky.
*slowly turns towards you*
I shit my pants and cried most of the night