1.
{first date}
Him: You look tense
Me: I’m so nervous
Him: Aw. Just be you
Me: IVE BEEN HOLDING IN A FART THAT MIGHT LAUNCH ME TO CANADA
@SufficientCharm

2.
anxiety got me approaching relationships like

@1followernodad

3.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
@AmberTozer

4.
your dating profile: i LOVE adventures
me: sounds like i’d have to do stuff. next–>
@ch000ch

5.
Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack
@sheastrauss

6.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
@dafloydsta

7.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
@MindyFurano

8.
DATING HACK: instead of texting back right away, wait three days, then assume he’s dead
@aparnapkin

9.
Someday you’ll meet someone amazing who just gets you. And they won’t want to date you either
@InternetHippo

10.
the stages of a breakup:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. taking pictures of everything you do to make sure people know you’re having fun
@thomas_violence

11.
This is just a guess, but it could be because that’s a rotary phone.

@liv_thatsme

12.
the thing nobody tells you about dating is their name and phone number
@danguterman

13.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
@francistogram

14.
Her: you ok?
Me: just nervous, I don’t date much
Her: you’re doing fine
[I go to take a drink, but It's the candle & I set my face on fire]
@T_N_Crumpets

15.
WOMAN: guys suck
GUY: ugh I know right? guys are the worst. except me haha. i am good and nice. can you send me pics of ur feet?
@dubstep4dads

16.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
@msdanifernandez

17.
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don’t know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
@ariscott

18.
Dating me is like binge watching a show. After a while you realize it isn’t that great but you invested time so you reluctantly keep going.
@Sarcasticsapien

19.
today I saw my ex so I quickly picked up my phone & shouted HELLO, BEYONCE? BEYONCE FROM THE HIT MUSICAL GROUP DESTINY’S CHILD? then I ran
@IamEnidColeslaw

20.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
@MiahSaint

21.
Impress your date by calling the waiter a “fucking coward” when he warns you that your plate is extremely hot.
@vineyille

22.
[first date]
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either
@pleatedjeans

23.
my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it’s never gonna happen between us mom
@tylerschmall

24.
Hook-up culture’s not for me. I’d rather get to know someone, find out they’re not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years
@ElizaBayne

25.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@PaperWash

26.
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
@robfee

27.
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
ME: ok
[later]
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too
@bobvulfov

28.
*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*
Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
@thenatewolf

29.
*looks at dating site for 4 minutes*
*immediately searches for a men in black mind eraser on eBay*
@LeahTiscione

30.
i once dated a guy who constantly reminded me that it was nice “to finally be dating a regular girl and not a model.” i think about it daily
@OnlineAlison

31.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
@bobvulfov

32.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
@batkaren

33.
Chances are, you’re the reason someone thinks dating sucks.
@imaliwaller

34.
First Date Tip:
1) Wait for check to arrive
2) Insist on paying like a gentleman
3) Lock eyes
4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
@justaride

35.
Me: *trying to forget the past & move on*
Facebook: You have memories with your first love and your deceitful friends to look back on today.
@sheikhimaan

36.
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
@shelbyfero

37.
Dating Tip: Treat your date to something non-traditional. Go to the park and yell at some birds, maybe dig a cool hole
@CornOnTheGoblin

38.
Dating is one person arguing that they suck and the other party assuring them they don’t until one of them gives up
@BisHilarious

39.
When breaking up with your first boyfriend/girlfriend, it helps to say “you’ll always be the answer to my online banking security question.”
@dannyricker

40.
Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.
@kumailn

41.
Dating tip: don’t
@Heissarcastic