John Clayton Mayer is an American singer-songwriter, guitarist, and producer. He was born in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and raised in nearby Fairfield.
1. When he pointed out the perks of being an *influencer*
If I were a social influencer I’d never buy groceries. I’d just post stuff like “Bounty really is the quicker picker upper” and then wait
@JohnMayer
2. When he solved all online feuds
I wish there was a rule where you had to share a photo of your dog before you argued with someone online. “WHO’S GONNA PAY F-aw, how old??”
@JohnMayer
3. When he shared a great plan for tweeting safely
How 2 tweet safely
1. Say ur tweet out loud
2. Pretend ur someone who hates u
3. Attack ur tweet from all angles
4. Wait 10 days
@JohnMayer
4. When he had a fucking blast during the eclipse
They kept it quiet, but during the eclipse you could swear as much as you wanted without consequence. It’s over now. But what a f’n rush.
@JohnMayer
5. When he had some beef with online journalism
Sometimes I see a twitter link about someone’s new hair, w/ a pic that isn’t of their new hair. Good time/place for the new hair pic, I say.
@JohnMayer
6. When he low-key invented a new dating app
Is it possible to have a courtship with someone entirely based on you both liking/not liking IG photos? Like some kind of binary language?
@JohnMayer
7. When he debunked a myth about celebrities
If I were a 24 year old intern, would I be able to copy Mr. Mayer’s inimitable writing style? No, sir. Not this girl.
@JohnMayer
8. When he finally saw his Twitter crush IRL
Landing in NYC last night, I saw the gorgeous @EmpireStateBldg and thought “we follow each other on Twitter.” I waved. Nobody else saw.
@JohnMayer
9. When he replied to a drunk tweeter
Good morning. You were drunk last night and tweeted me. I responded. You were FINE. Don’t worry.
@JohnMayer
10. When he had his own spelling rules
I always want to spell it “excercise.” Anybody else do this?
@JohnMayer
11. When he invented “Retox Tea”
Hey everyone I wanna tell you about this great new product, Retox Tea. Some will point out it’s only a bottle of whiskey. Quiet, haters.
@JohnMayer
12. When he didn’t have time to post a photo on Instagram
Pretend I posted a pic of me on a balcony in Italy with my arms wide open I’m busy gotta run to sound check
@JohnMayer
13. When he should have been more specific with his celebrity demands
Excuse me, this room temperature water, which I requested, is not the temperature of the room I had in mind.
@JohnMayer
14. When he shared a controversial food opinion
Peanut M&Ms are plain. Plain M&Ms are sensational.
@JohnMayer
15. When he shared a not-so-controversial food opinion
If you eat Skittles past the age of 30 you’re making a very specific statement to the world.
@JohnMayer
16. When he wanted to change the rules of Twitter
I wish tweets didn’t cap at 140 characters. I wanna use phrases like “far be it from me to tell someone else how to live their life, but”
@JohnMayer
17. When he wanted to reward thunderstorms for their effort
Whenever there’s a thunderstorm, I always have this secret little wish that the power will go out. That’s like a trophy for storms.
@JohnMayer
18. When he had a lot of regrets after a party
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called “why did I tell that story?”
@JohnMayer
19. When he was a package delivery truther
I’ve never seen the FedEx and UPS guys deliver at the same time. Never even seen em together, come to think of it. Pics please.
@JohnMayer
20. When he was an authentic Metallica fan
Oh you love Metallica? Name three of their t-shirts.
@JohnMayer
21. And finally, when he sent out this very *alluring* dating profile
Hi girls I’m John, single, I wear a patch for back pain and have a daily phone alarm set to remind me to take antacid. Real bad boy type.
@JohnMayer