1.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.
@JennyPentland

2.
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
@XplodingUnicorn

3.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.”
@Manda_like_wine

4.
dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”
@Dadmissions

5.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@SardonicTart

6.
My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.”
Sound logic, questionable execution.
@daddydoinwork

7.
5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.
Me: What?
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
Me:…
5yo: Now they look angry.
@PaigeKellerman

8.
Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!”
7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”
@ReasonsMySonCry

9.
best part of working from home is having your 5y/o run in while you’re on a conference call and cry “I accidentally peed in the wrong place”
@behindyourback

10.
Me: How was your day?
9yr old: Not good
Me: Wanna talk
9yr old: I just want to play piano, it will help
*pounds away mary had a little lamb*
@IjeomaOluo

11.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
@TragicAllyHere

12.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
@jessokfine

13.
Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store?
5yo: Do we have to decide right now?
@LurkAtHomeMom

14.
I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.
@TheGladStork

15.
4: What did I earn for being good today?
Me: My love and affection.
4: [cries] I don’t want that!
@ashleyaustrew

16.
4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
Me: I’m allergic. We can’t be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
@XplodingUnicorn

17.
my little cousin rolled up like “so I heard you wanted a brownie”

@eveewing