1.
[meeting my coworker's toddler]
KID: you’re a peepee poopoo!!
ME: hahaha listen little man [kneeling down, dead serious] you are
@nbadag

2.
ME: There was an old woman—
4YO: How old?
M: Old. —who lived in a shoe
4: What shoe?
ME: Please hold all questions until the end on this one
@MUMSIEesq

3.
SON: you’re pretty
ME: aww
SON: even when you just waked up you’re so pretty
ME: awww
SON: can i have Doritos for lunch
ME: there it is
@ValeeGrrl

4.
Im at the Disney theater & when they started playing that Frozen song all the kids threw their hands up like Hot in Here came on in the club
@robfee

5.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
@ericsshadow

6.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
@Playing_Dad

7.
I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.
@TheGladStork

8.
My 3 year old tried to remove a stain from our couch by using a dinosaur to fight it.
@Dadpression

9.
3-year-old: *dances while walking*
Me: I need you to walk faster.
3: *does faster dance moves*
@XplodingUnicorn

10.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
@jessokfine

11.
My son thinks he could win American Ninja Warrior but first he needs to get thru the grocery store without his legs getting “wobbly & sore.”
@ValeeGrrl

12.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
@iwearaonesie

13.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren’t married and I told him yes, but I honestly don’t know.
@Elizasoul80

14.
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT’S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
@ValeeGrrl

15.
That awful moment when your kid asks to watch “Anal-stasia” and you’re not sure if it’s a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.
@UnFitz

16.
Childproof your house all you want.
They still get in.
@SladeWentworth

17.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
@rachelle_mandik

18.
My son asked what’s it like to be a mom so I asked him what he wants to do today and kept saying “No, we’ll do what I want” until he cried.
@bourgeoisalien

19.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
@mompsychologist