1.
HER: Do you want to have kids?
ME: No
HER: Why not?
ME: I couldn’t take all the crying
HER: They don’t cry all the time
ME: No, I meant me
@dafloydsta

2.
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
@thenatewolf

3.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
@

4.
oh your son is 73 months old that’s cool i literally i have no idea if he’s five or forty two
@jdelwoo

5.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
@mdob11

6.
[wildlife refuge]
“See the majestic falcon flying”
*everybody looks*
*falcon grabs my baby and carries him away*
“Oh my god NOOO”
Me: YESS
@brilliantwit

7.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
@Cpin42

8.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@jonnysun

9.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
@goldengateblond

10.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
@abbycohenwl

11.
There is a drinking game where you drink every time a kid annoys you. It’s called “parenting.”
@moooooog35

12.
“You don’t want children? That’s selfish!”
“It IS? I’d better get a vasectomy so I don’t pass on my selfish genes!”
@ZachWeiner

13.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
@

14.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
@mdob11

15.
“Jenni!! Married yet? When are you having kids”??
“When I can get pregnant by swallowing”.
*never invited to family dinner again*
WIN.
@vajennilogue2

16.
There is no better birth control than the sound of a child screaming.
@leenewtonsays

17.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
@KingRainhead

18.
A horror film about a creature that grows in a woman, comes out and follows her around for 18 yrs telling her she’s fat and begging for gum.
@ambamthankyamam

19.
Have you talked to YOUR doctor about Baby Fever? Side effects may include poverty, poorness, brokeitude
@pauljaycomic

20.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?”
“Well, when two people hate themselves, and want to never have fun again or achieve their dreams…”
@ChuckSize

21.
There’s nothing like a child standing an inch from your face at 6 a.m. to make you realize you’d made some bad choices in life.
@ThatsParenting

22.
If you could put children in a nutrient rich suspension with virtual learning environment until they were about 20 then sure, I’d have some
@sentientist

23.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

@rad_milk

24.

@medieval_react

25.

@tbhyourratchet