1.
Dominos asked robbie how many slices he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 n he said 4 cause he couldn't eat 6
— stengooo (@stephenadam112) January 14, 2017
2.
Mad how yie get 6 points and a £200fine for being on yer phone yet there's folk oot there way eyelashes on there motor n getting away wae it
— Alexander McNeil (@McneilAlexander) March 3, 2017
3.
Ehhh, wit? pic.twitter.com/bFiJmLxseB
— Mel Fraser (@Melfyx) January 11, 2017
4.
See when people come into my work n go "you're always here" ??? mate a work here, YOU are always here
— heffybhoy_ (@louishefferland) February 20, 2017
5.
Canny believe there's folk out there that dinny believe in aliens but think a cunt called Jesus moonwalked across a lake
— Goudie (@Goudie15) June 1, 2017
6.
Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down
— TM (@TeiganMair) February 17, 2017
7.
It's actually quite a fair point pic.twitter.com/3vKwbQZEt6
— Joe (@MRNCFC) January 6, 2017
8.
just need £100,000 to get me on ma feet that's aw
— Ryan Skedd (@RyanSkedd7) October 18, 2016
9.
Results aren't everything ! A didnt do highers n look at me, am…..well am unemployed right noo but am sound as fuck
— Lee Pyper (@LeePyper1) August 6, 2013
10.
Andy lost his ID at a gig. Some burd found it and refused to give him it back unless he brought her a thank you balloon pic.twitter.com/ChTithno3O
— Grant Paton (@grEnt_) February 5, 2017
11.
Shoutout to the wee man who lives in this house n allowed 50+ strangers to drink in his garden cos the polis tried to fine them pic.twitter.com/6hhRsVZAHy
— v (@vanessaleez) May 27, 2017
12.
Whenever am gonny be cheeky to gemma a remember that her hand reaches the bottom of a pringles tube mines doesnt and a need that assistance
— sheep (@cannyswim) December 30, 2016
13.
Pmsl callums just failed his driving test cause he stopped to ask me if a needed a lift
— Gatzie (@GarryCook_) July 21, 2016
14.
She knows X pic.twitter.com/9M1uHBJKXy
— alexslater (@Slateralex_) November 26, 2016
15.
truuuu pic.twitter.com/m18DucleUv
— ㅤrobyn (@robynmcdonaId) May 17, 2017
16.
primary school wa the best, a free gig every mornin just beltin out pure jesus anthems, fuckin quality
— Adam (@barnettsufc) July 27, 2016
17.
mental tae hink that you nd a pal ae urs won't be able to go to each others funeral, blew ma mind
— Carabine (@RyanCarabine_) May 9, 2017
18.
baby coughin on a bus right as a needed tae cough so a nearly exploded hawdin it in cos a didny wanty look like the guy who copies babies
— Butt Sea (@Butsay_) October 23, 2016
19.
Chance ye got man pic.twitter.com/q3OdbrWICl
— Kyle McGrath (@kylemcgrath94) April 9, 2017
20.
my mum doesn't seem to understand exams pic.twitter.com/D807hieUg8
— ellie (@_ellieirving) April 30, 2015
21.
imagine if toast was a4 size
— hannah pickup (@madeforpickup) March 29, 2017
22.
you missed out on being paralytic in a field after downin strongbow at 13 for £500 ye fuckin soft ass pic.twitter.com/L8LZPKrB1v
— caddison (@chIoaddison_5) May 18, 2016
23.
Why do we say Sean like shon but we dinny say bean like bon
— DT (@dov97) March 22, 2017
24.
Never understood why acts at festivals shout ' are you ready' aye two seconds pal a needty tie my lace pause the tunes
— montyyyy (@montyyyy17) June 25, 2015
25.
Bonnar just got pulled by the police n they asked if he had anythin on him that he shouldn't have n he said "aye ma maws socks"
— Kyle (@kylechristie0) March 10, 2017
26.
Someone's hacked my bank account and bought barca v Real Madrid tickets, I'm no even mad mate wit a game you've chosen, all the best
— Ryan McGeever (@RyanMcGeever) August 24, 2016
27.
If it was up to me I'd give everybody a decent wage so they could concentrate on the shagging, football and poetry twenty four seven.
— Irvine Welsh (@IrvineWelsh) March 3, 2017
28.
im at the age where people r askin "so what u doin with ur life" n im like mate am genuinely jus here for a laff x
— cait (@cxitlan) March 3, 2016