1.
I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend “are you ready to fucking rage” as they walked into target together and that’s what I want
@kpfeffss

2.
nerd boys: i hate that there’s a female Doctor Who!!! if a woman is in it i’m OUT! also nerd boys: women won’t date me because i’m too nice
@hellolanemoore

3.
*eyeshadow on other people* wow they’re so hip and daring
*eyeshadow on me* hello, I recently failed out of clown college
@behindyourback

4.
I don’t wake up next to random boys anymore I wake up next to random snacks
@charstarlene

5.
Single guys when they find out I have a kid: “Oh, my sister has a kid.” “My friend has a kid.” Every time it’s “I have met a child before.”
@msemilymccombs

6.
I’m a simple girl, I don’t need chocolates & flowers. I just need someone to sponsor my favorite podcasts, donate to the ACLU, & fund PP
@YaraShahidi

7.
worst thing abt traveling abroad is running into other women on their eat, pray, love journeys & having to fight over authentic growth opps
@aparnapkin

8.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
@Adar79Angie

9.
*Wipes phone on boob*
-Blocks 5 people
-Unfollows 3
-Sends 2 randoms nudes
-Orders a pizza
-Texts ‘I miss you’ to the ex
@orignalcequeen

10.
HPV is undetectable in men, like empathy.
@AlexisGirlNovak

11.
Me @ 22: “How can I dress so more men approach me?”
Me @ 28: “How can I dress so more women compliment me and become my friend?”
@AllisonRaskin

12.
I want to ask a woman whose improv team I coach what makeup she uses to look so glowy but terrified she’ll just say “I’m 24.”
@girlwithatail

13.
Oh don’t be a fucking idiot, iPhone

@morgan_murphy

14.
Me at 9 a.m. Monday: I’m not drinking this week.
Me at 9 p.m. Monday: ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING WINE IS GOOD FOR YOU LIKE VEGETABLES AND SHIT
@Kendragarden

15.
Just found this photo of me and my ex, it’s hard bc even tho we look so happy deep down there was actually a lot of strife

@annadrezen

16.
me: why am i never in craigslist missed connections???
also me: never leaves my house or talks to anyone
@hellolanemoore

17.
i hate when ur boob starts falling out of ur bra like excuse me ma’am please return to ur assigned seat
@dory

18.
I’ve had periods longer than Scaramucci had his job in the White House.
@OhNoSheTwitnt