1.
*wipes doritos dust onto cum-stained sweatpants* hmmmmm time to pick out a flawless wife on the internet. not rihanna her forehead's too big
— maddie holden (@winningprotocol) July 7, 2015
2.
@S14Hx
3.
did shrek not wear this pic.twitter.com/I25R4NoIWD
— jack (@THOTJAI) September 11, 2016
4.
Being 28-2016: I'm not ready for a relationship
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 6, 2016
28-1816: I have 13 kids
28-1000BC: I lived a good life, thrice I ate a berry and once a pear
5.
"No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.
— J.Beaner (@jeannerbeaner) September 23, 2014
6.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
7.
@sheseemslegit
8.
when y'all subtweet and I have to search for the full story pic.twitter.com/ax1LvQCGAI
— mat whitehead (@matwhi) May 4, 2017
9.
Don't go Jason Waterfalls <3 love that song
— Afro Queen (@brit_knees) October 22, 2013
10.
"I'm going to kill you, Brendadirk Cramplescrunch." pic.twitter.com/UQ4LUgzozD
— Michael Deppisch (@deppisch) February 23, 2015
11.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
— oovoo javer (@sammmmmmmantha) March 8, 2017
12.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— Clevtp95 (@CleverTP) March 28, 2014
13.
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
—brian essbe(@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
14.
Going to sleep
— Marcus (@MarcusLepage) April 27, 2009
Fuck, I slept in
— Marcus (@MarcusLepage) April 12, 2016
15.
binki_shapiro
16.
I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now pic.twitter.com/XuWgFm5PYC
— nazis need punches(@InternetEh) June 13, 2016
17.
how'd he have time to write all those plays then pic.twitter.com/O6I4qc4YPY
— #softmom (@tatianawrites) March 20, 2017
18.
[awful Cranberries voice]
— illy bocean (@IllyBocean) June 23, 2016
shot in the heeeead / in the heeeeead / ha-ram-be / ha-ram-be / harambe-EY-ey-EY-ey-EY
19.
My 10 yr old son just found out about the NASCAR driver named Dick Trickle. I may have to get oxygen. The kid is losing it.
— Craig Ferguson (@CraigyFerg) September 10, 2011
20.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he's the clone
— Alex Rogaski (@AlexRogaski) May 26, 2016
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
21.
Am I the only one who charger look like this? (Excuse my feet btw) pic.twitter.com/8LVV7DV3vM
—(@flexanie) April 18, 2017
22.
Romeo: check out this cat video
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 21, 2015
Juliet: omg dead
Juliet: hello
Juliet: romeo
Juliet: i didn't mean literally dead
Juliet: romeo
23.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
— josh nalven(@JNalv) February 20, 2013
24.
Generalising a bit there pic.twitter.com/CeyFjcyRnq
— Christina Martin (@christinamartin) May 30, 2015