1.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
@iwearaonesie
2.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
@jergarl
3.
You know you’ve been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
@Mr_Kapowski
4.
Top 4 Things Couples Should Agree On Before Getting Married:
4 Where to live
3 Having children
2 Finances
1 What to set the thermostat on
@TheBoydP
5.
My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we’re playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
@joeljeffrey
6.
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I’m reading in bed.
@wife_housy
7.
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
@simoncholland
8.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That’s exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.
@amydillon
9.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
@dafloydsta
10.
Today’s my husband’s birthday, so…
*flips coin to see if I should shave above the knee*
@ashleyaustrew
11.
Marriage is- having your spouse call your work, from the house, asking if there’s anything in the fridge to eat.
@TabathaAtkins
12.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
@simoncholland
13.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
@KalvinMacleod
14.
My wife looks so peaceful when she’s sleeping.
Probably.
I have no idea she sleeps with her back to me behind a giant wall of throw pillows.
@moooooog35
15.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
@LackOfShame
16.
[in bed]
Me: hey, did you grab my butt
Wife: yeah sorry, I was looking for the remote
@TheMichaelRock
17.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
@iwearaonesie
18.
90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms
@KeetPotato
19.
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.
@ian_mendes
20.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
@TheCatWhisprer
21.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
@toujours_fab
22.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
@amydillon
23.
*grabs wife’s phone to respond to the sext I sent her*
@iwearaonesie
24.
My husband gets pretty excited when I whip out goggles in the bedroom.
But a little less excited when I whip out the onion & cutting board.
@LoveNLunchmeat